


The Yearning to Be Near You (I do What I Have to do)

by innusiq



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, M/M, Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-01-11
Updated: 2000-01-11
Packaged: 2018-11-10 23:05:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 35,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11136459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/innusiq/pseuds/innusiq
Summary: Sequel to Are You an Angel?This story is a sequel toAre You an Angel?.





	The Yearning to Be Near You (I do What I Have to do)

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

The Yearning to Be Near You (I do What I Have to do)

## The Yearning to Be Near You (I do What I Have to do)

by Innusiq

* * *

Part four of the series Lovers in a Dangerous Time Rating: PG13  
Pairing: Fraser/Vecchio 

The Yearning to be Near You   
(I Do What I Have to Do)  
by: Jenny Hill 

The pacing set off warning bells for Dr. Johnson as she entered her office. It was her first meeting with the Chicago Detective and before he even said one word she knew he was going to be a difficult case . . . not because he wanted it that way, he just didn't like psychiatrists. 

"Mr. Vecchio, why don't you sit down and relax before we get started," Dr. Johnson suggested as she motioned towards the couch by the window. 

Ray stared at the couch as if it had jaws of a shark. "I'd rather not." He continued pacing. 

"Well, you don't have to sit on the couch Mr. Vecchio . . . you can sit in the chair . . ." Dr. Johnson began to offer. 

"I prefer to stand right now thank you and please call me Ray. Mr. Vecchio reminds me too much of my father and I am NOT my father." Dr. Johnson noted the anger he expressed when he spoke of the elder Vecchio. "What are you writing? Have I said something wrong already?" 

"Ray, there is nothing right or wrong about what you say here. I'm just writing down certain things I feel are important to remember. Am I expected to remember everything my patients say?" Dr. Johnson asked as she looked at Ray, waiting for an answer. 

Reluctantly, Ray replied, "No, I guess not . . . I just get a little nervous when I come to these things." 

"You've been to a psychiatrist before?" 

"Well . . . yeah . . . I have to have a psyche review every 2 years for my job and there was the one time . . ." Ray paused a moment, " . . . one time . . ." and he mumbled the finish of his statement. 

"I'm sorry Ray but I didn't catch that. Could you repeat it?" Dr. Johnson asked. 

"I shot my partner in the back." Ray looked mournful. It was a memory, the one memory, he wished he could forget but his luck wasn't that good. 

"That would be . . . Benton Fraser, yes?" 

"If you know this why are you making me tell you?" Ray stopped pacing and turned to look at his doctor. It was bad enough he had to be here but to be forced though times he'd rather forget, that was just pushing things a bit far. 

"You brought it up Ray . . . I'm just here to listen . . . is this something you want to talk about?" 

"No . . .yes . . . maybe . . . I don't know?" Ray finally sat down on the couch on his own accord. Dr. Johnson made a note not to pressure him into sitting on it. 

"What do you want to talk about then?" 

Ray sat on the couch, intently staring at the ceiling while he pondered that question. "I wish I could remember," Ray sighed. "I hate it that everyone around me knows what happened but they won't tell me because the doctors say I should figure it out on my own. What if I never figure it out? My sister goes around like she's walking on eggshells. My mother seems so sad . . . and she can't tell me what's bothering her because what's wrong . . . I can't remember. Then there's work. Everyone avoids me like the plague . . . everyone except Lt. Welsh, Stan and Stella, Detectives Huey and Dewey and Elaine. I just don't get it. To top things off . . . my best friend leaves me high and dry just when I need him most." 

"Fraser?" 

"Yeah, Fraser," Ray started squirming around on the couch. "Ya know, this couch is really comfortable . . . much more comfortable that that cot Fraser refers to as a bed." Ray stopped moving and was staring at Dr. Johnson with a slight confused look on his face. 

"What's wrong Ray?" 

"I don't know . . . I say things like that, about Fraser bed, and I haven't a clue how I know it. I've never laid on his bed . . . that I can recall and if I have . . . why?" 

"I guess you could say your memory is coming back but randomly." Dr. Johnson was writing more information down that had Ray sitting on edge. 

"I could've told you that." Ray's sarcasm was at an all time high but the doctor just smiled and continued writing. "You really make me nervous when you do that." Ray gestured to her notepad. 

"Ray, what all have you remembered since waking up at the hospital in Moosejaw?" 

"Well, there's the undercover assignment, that I finally remembered . . . Benny blowing my cover . . . my trip to Florida . . . and the fact that Benny's bed is uncomfortable. It's not much if you consider I'm missing four years . . ." Ray got up and started walking around the office again. 

"Ray, I think that's pretty good progress. If you think about it, that's half the time you're missing. You didn't expect it all to come back at once did you?" Dr. Johnson swiveled her chair so she could keep an eye on Ray. 

"Yes, yes I did," Ray replied matter-of-factly. "I feel I'm wasting so much time here not remembering. Even what I have remembered . . . I feel there is still something just out of my reach. It's right there on the edge but it won't drop." 

"Ray, don't push yourself into remembering to fast. Your brain will let it all happen when you're ready. You don't want to be bombarded with everything at once." Dr. Johnson got up to get a glass of water for her and Ray. 

"I don't think it would seem so bad if Benny were here. He always seemed to be able to make sense out of my thoughts and feelings . . . without him, I've been lost this last month." Ray took the glass of water offered by Dr. Johnson and drained it immediately. 

"You and Fraser are really close." Dr. Johnson sat back down, hoping Ray would join her. 

"Yeah, you could say that . . . best friends." Ray reminisced about the first time Fraser had uttered those words, right after he nearly got him killed. Ray shook his head. 

When Ray looked at the doctor, she had a look as if to say "what?" "I don't now . . . I sometimes wonder how we remained friends. I mean, he's the most annoying man in the world. We've nearly been killed more times than I care to remember. We should have parted years ago just to save our own lives but . . ." 

"You didn't and why is that?" 

Ray studied the doctor for a minute then continued, "There was this one time, after Benny had fallen off the back of a moving vehicle . . ." Dr. Johnson's eyebrows popped up in disbelief. " . . . yeah, a moving vehicle. He does that frequently . . . jumps onto a moving vehicle, becomes the hero, saves the day. Anyway, he lost his memory for that day . . . isn't that ironic? And during one point, after going over the events we had prevailed over in our partnership and friendship, he asked me why we were still friends and all I could say was "Alone we're incomplete but together we are better than we are separately." That was the scariest day of my life . . . well, at least one of them." 

"Why was it scary?" 

Ray moved to sit back down on the couch. "I guess I had gotten use to having him around, ya know, relied on him. Maybe even took him for granted, I don't know. I just knew a life without Benny . . ." Ray stopped and pondered what he was about to say. "I never felt this way about anyone except for my family and my ex-wife." 

"What was the other scary moment in your life?" 

Ray sighed as he relaxed back against the couch with his head resting on the back, hands rubbing his forehead. "It was a little over a year after I met Benny . . . the most trying period of our lives. A woman came between my best friend and me. It wasn't your typical "my best friend met a girl and now he doesn't want anything to do with me because he's too busy with her" thing, no. She purposely, manipulatively and deceptively came between us, to separate us or at least him from everything holding him down." Ray took a deep breath and released it slowly, trying to calm his anger. 

"What was her name?" Dr. Johnson asked so innocently. 

Ray stared the doctor down. He didn't want to say her name, he shouldn't have to say her name and he couldn't say her name. "What, you don't already have that written down?" 

"No, Ray." 

Ray sighed, embarrassed by his reaction to her question. "Victoria Metcalfe," Ray fixed his eyes on the ceiling again. "She's the one woman in Benny's life, if not the first, that he truly loved." 

"What happened?" 

"What didn't happen?" Ray stood up again and began pacing. "She robbed a bank with two other men in Alaska over 10 years ago. One guy died and the other left her high and dry. She fled into Canada where Benny tracked her down on some mountain side when a snow storm blew in, trapping them there for a day of so. Both nearly died but they kept each other alive. First Benny kept her alive and then she kept him alive. The makings of a beautiful romance huh? If only she wasn't a criminal." 

Ray walked back to the couch but didn't sit down. He had his back to Dr. Johnson and stared out the window. "She knew he loved her and she used . . . or at least tried to use that love against him. When the snow subsided, they managed to travel to the outskirts of the nearest outpost, they spent one final night together . . .comforting each other in the knowledge of their survival." 

Ray's head dropped. "He had a choice to make then, a choice that would effect his entire future. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if he had let her go back then. Would she have come back as she did to take him away . . . would he have come to Chicago? So many possibilities and so many different outcomes." 

"But he made the right decision," Dr. Johnson guessed. 

"Duty wise, honor wise, legal wise . . . yes. He turned her in to serve her time for the part she played in the robbery." Ray turned around and sat back down on the couch. 

Dr. Johnson couldn't believe how much energy this man had. "But that wasn't the last time he saw her?" 

"No, that would've been too easy. She came back like a bad penny and our lives would never be the same." Ray stood back up. It had been forever since he drudged up these memories and it hurt just as if it had happened yesterday. "Do you want the short of long version?" The pacing began even before the story... this was not good. 

"Whatever you feel comfortable with Ray." 

Ray took a deep breath, preparing himself for a sped through version. "She came to Chicago, tricked Benny, swept him off his feet, shot his wolf, played him for a fool, shot her accomplice, set both Benny and me up to take the fall, pulled Benny away from all he loved and who loved him, tempted him to flee with her and I shot him." Ray was exhausted just from the shortened condensed version. He couldn't imagine the long, detailed one. 

"So that is when you shot Fraser." Ray just nodded. She could see the torment in his eyes. "How did that come about . . . the actual shooting?" 

"Victoria was making her escape. Benny and I showed up at the train station at the same time. When we went into the station, she spotted us and started shooting then headed towards the trains." Ray stopped at a bookcase across the room and was dragging his fingers across the book's spines. "I stayed behind to collect the money she had dropped on the terminal floor. It was money from the robbery, money to frame me with. Benny tricked her . . . I guess he finally got wise to her scheme . . . Benny went ahead to apprehend her." Ray couldn't believe how he remembered every detail so clearly. 

"When Lt. Welsh, Huey and Guardino showed up, we headed out to the platform to see Benny, racing after the train . . . the train with her on it. To anyone else, he looked like he was trying to catch her, to keep her from fleeing but I knew better. He was running after that train, oh yes, but he was running to her . . . to be with her . . . he was fleeing with her. I couldn't believe it but I didn't have time to think because the next thing I knew, I saw a glint of something in her hand. She had a gun . . . or at least I thought she had a gun . . . it was pointed at Benny and I couldn't let her just shoot him, a defenseless man. I took aim and when I fired, wouldn't ya know it, I'm the one shooting the defenseless man, my best friend, my partner, in the back." Ray's head was slumped forward and he was rubbing the back of his neck with his hands. 

"You didn't mean to shoot him Ray . . . it was an accident and you believed there was a threat to his life . . . that there was a gun . . . you did nothing wrong." 

"Yeah, you try and believe that one after looking into his eyes in the hospital . . . day after day . . . seeing the anguish, the pain, the pain of loss." Ray walked back over to the couch and sat down. 

"He did forgive you, didn't he?" Dr. Johnson questioned as she glanced down at her watch. 

"Not in words so much . . . I mean neither of us actually ever said "I'm sorry" or "I forgive you." It was a kind of understood thing." Maybe the words just needed to be said. 

"Maybe the understood isn't enough." Dr. Johnson offered. "Ray, I hate to do this but our time is up." 

Ray looked at his watch and was amazed at the fact an hour had flown by. "Geez, already?" 

"Yes . . . maybe over the week, you could think about your understood forgiveness of each other. Whether it is enough or not." Dr. Johnson closed her notepad. "Same time next week?" 

* * *

Ray walked into the Vecchio home exhausted. It was a stress relieving session with Dr. Johnson but tiring and he wasn't any closer to remembering what he forgot. Ray headed up the stairs towards his bedroom when he heard his mother call him from the kitchen. 

"Raymondo, is that you?" Mrs. Vecchio's voice carried through the kitchen doorway. 

"Yeah Ma," Ray replied as he turned and descended the three steps he managed to climb. When he walked through the kitchen doorway, he said, "What do ya want Ma?" 

Mrs. Vecchio approached her son, wiping her hands on the apron she wore. "How was your day dear?" 

"It was fine Ma . . . work was fine, my doctor's appointment was find, everything was fine." The tone he used to answer his mother's question was a bit harsh and gave away just how not fine his day actually was. 

"Are you sure Caro?" Mrs. Vecchio asked as she placed a hand on her son's cheek. "Is there anything you want to talk about?" 

"No Ma, I really am fine." Ray let his mother pull him into an embrace, indulging her maternal instincts. "It's just been a long day." 

"You know, you could take a nap before dinner dear . . . there will be plenty of time." Mrs. Vecchio pulled away slightly to look up at her son. Once again, there was sadness in her eyes. It was a sadness Ray had yet to understand and it confused him even more that he didn't now how to help her. 

Ray kissed his mother's forehead then pulled away. "I think I will take that nap." Ray exited the kitchen and headed up the stairs to his bedroom, his sanctuary. The only place he felt safe anymore. 

Once inside his room, Ray relaxed completely. He stretched and sauntered over to the bed, kicking off his shoes in the process. Sitting on the edge, Ray slipped his sweater and T'shirt up over his head and tossed them across the room. Looking down at his bare chest, Ray noticed a series of scars one from the bullet he took for Fraser when battling Muldoon, another much older one which he took for Fraser yet again shortly after the Victoria nightmare and yet another much newer scar, one he didn't remember getting. Ray fingered the most recent scar and it was still sensitive to the simple touch. 

Ray moved off the bed and walked over to his dresser to grab a clean T'shirt. When he opened the drawer that should have held his T'shirts, he found socks. Shaking his head, he opened his sock drawer and found underwear. "God, have I completely lost it?" Finally, locating his T'shirts in his underwear drawer, Ray pulled one out and slipped it on. 

What Ray didn't know was while he was in Canada, waiting for Fraser to recover, the rest of the Vecchio family were moving all his things back to the Vecchio home as to not totally alarm him with the changes in his life. Leave it to Francesca to get the drawers mixed up. 

The other stuff from their apartment: furniture, dishes, cookware, Fraser's belongings left behind; were being stored in the basement of the Vecchio home. The apartment was relinquished. Mrs. Vecchio new Ray wouldn't be happy about that decision, seeing how he wouldn't part with it when he and Fraser were separated but they had no choice. 

Ray turned and walked back towards the bed, crawled in immediately and curled up in the blankets. Then he began to think. . . was an understood forgiveness enough? He thought it was. Why are they going back so far to re-gain his future? "God, I hate psychiatrists, I wish I could remember." 

* * *

The air around him was cool as he walked through the darkened building. He had no idea why he was there or who he was looking for or even where he was for that matter but he had his gun drawn just in case. He was by himself but Ray sensed the presence of someone being with him, lurking in the shadows, just beyond his reach. 

Ray squinted into the darkness trying to locate that someone but the harder he tried, the harder it became to see anything. "Benny?" Ray called out. There was no answer. Fraser hadn't entered the building with Ray but he was certain he was near. "Benny?" Ray called a little louder, praying to hear his friend's reply. In the distance, Ray could hear a slight murmur, maybe even a whimper. An eerie sense of Deja-Vu creeped over him as he continued through the darkness. 

"Ray," his name was called from four different directions, surrounding him, causing him to turn in a circle but there was no one he could see. Then the laughter ensued, loud and cackling. The noise was coming from all directions but one so Ray headed in that one direction. The laughter was deafening but he continued on, pushing forward into the darkness in front of him until a speck of light appeared, a bit in the distance. The closer he got, the brighter the light became and he could see there was someone there, laying on the ground, surrounded by the light. 

Ray's heartbeat quickened as he picked up his pace, hurrying towards the motionless body. "Please let him be all right. Please let him be all right," Ray repeated to himself. He didn't even know who it was but he had a gut feeling and before he knew it, within a blink of an eye, he was standing above the limp body. 

Ray knelt down and reached to turn the person over. The most beautiful blue eyes he ever remembered seeing stared back at him. Ray was startled out of his awe by someone yelling at him, "It's all your fault!" When he turned to identify who was there with him, someone else yelled, "It's all your fault." Once again, when he was just about to hone in on who had said that, he heard it again but this time, he was face to face with a Mountie he had never seen before. 

"If it wasn't for you, she'd still be with me," the Mountie said, glaring at Ray. 

Ray turned in another direction and came face to face with his sister. "If it wasn't for you, Benton would be with me now." 

Truly confused now, Ray turned in another direction and in front of him stood Victoria. "If it wasn't for you, Ben would have come with me," she smiled. 

Disgusted he even had to see that woman's face again Ray turned back to where Fraser's body was laying and now Fraser was standing in front of him, eye to eye, with a look he'd never seen before. There was a twinkle in his bright blue eyes and he had a smile on his face. Not a broad, you could see he was smiling from a mile away smile but a subdued smile. There was a slight curl at the corners of his mouth that made him look shy. When he opened his mouth to speak, Ray was transfixed on his lips. "Ray, if it wasn't for them, I'd be with you now." 

* * *

Ray shot up out of bed and before he knew what was happening, he was stumbling across the room. When he came to a stop, he was standing in front of the mirror of his dresser, breathing heavy. The dream scared him and he didn't even know why. 

Usually, Ray never thought much about dreams but lately, his dreams seemed to be trying to tell him something, he just didn't know what. 

"If Benny were here, he'd help me," Ray said out loud to himself. "I think I could be losing my mind." Ray laughed as he rubbed his face with his hands, turned and headed back to bed. 

* * *

"Hello?" 

"Hello Ray." 

"Fraser, it's good to hear from you, thanks for calling me back." 

"It would have been impolite not to Ray." 

"Fraser!" 

"Yes Ray?" 

"I'm just glad you call back, okay?" 

"Why wouldn't I have?" 

"I don't know, you're the one isolating himself up there in the Yukon Territories." 

"Ray, be reasonable. I am not isolating myself and in addition, it is the Northwest Territory. I would've thought by now you would have understood that." 

"Yeah, I do . . . just wanted to get a rise outta ya." 

"Oh . . . Ray, why have you called?" 

"Oh yeah, well, the Vecchios, Stella and I are planning a surprise birthday party for Ray, seeing he's turning forty this year and I was calling to invite you and Madeline. 

There was dead silence on Fraser's end of the phone. 

"Ya know, he's been kinda down since returning from Canada and . . ." 

Fraser still wasn't saying anything on the other end of the phone. 

"Fraser, you are still there, right?" 

"Yes Ray, I'm sorry . . . I'm not sure that is such a good idea . . ." 

"Fraser, buddy, you have to come. What kind of birthday celebration would it be if the guest of honor's best friend wasn't there?" 

"Ray . . ." 

"Come on Fraser, you can't hide forever." 

"I'm not hiding Ray." 

"Yes you are." 

"No I am not." 

"Fraser . . ." 

"Ray?" 

"You're gonna be stubborn about this aren't you?" 

"Ray, I have obligations, duties. I just can't up and leave at a whim, just like that." 

"Fraser, what about your promise to Ray, that you would be there for him? He may not be the one calling but . . . he needs you." Ray could hear the sigh on the other end and knew then, thankfully, he had won this battle. "So you'll come?" 

"I seem to have no other choice in the matter." 

"Oh, you have a choice Fraser . . . you just need to chose the right one." 

"All right Ray, I will be there." 

"Thanks Frase." 

* * *

"Is he coming?" Stella asked as Stan hung up the phone. 

"Yeah, he's coming," Stan smiled as he sat down on the couch next to his fianc. "I hope this works, Ray is so close to remembering." 

"I know." Stella kissed Stan on the cheek then wiped the lipstick mark off. "Thank you Ray." 

"For what?" 

"For doing this. You didn't have to. I know you and Ray don't get along . . ." Stella was cut off. 

"We use to not get along . . . I never hated him Stella. I was more jealous than anything. Since his memory loss, we've become good friends. I don't think it would've been that way if Fraser were here because he would've leaned on him for support, ya know?" Stan looked at Stella, hoping she understood. "But I could never replace Fraser." 

* * *

When Dr. Johnson entered her office, she knew something was amiss. Her next patient was already there, waiting for her and he was lying on the couch. "Good afternoon Mr. Vecchio, how have you been since our last session?" 

Ray glared at the doctor upon her entering, "I'm layin' on the couch, how do you think I'm doing?" Ray turned back to stare at the ceiling. 

Dr. Johnson sat down in the chair next to this couch noting his agitation. "So, have you given much thought to what we discussed last week?" 

"Yeah, how could I not . . . that's all I do anymore is think." 

"And?" 

"I think . . . I think Benny and I need to talk about what happened." Ray sat up to face the doctor. "Us knowing we've forgiven each other . . . it's just not enough. I need to hear him say he forgives me . . . heck . . . I feel I need to ask him for his forgiveness." 

"That's very good Ray. Here's a question though, have you forgiven him and are you able to tell him that as well?" 

"Funny thing . . . I forgave him the moment I saw him running after that train," and Ray was telling the truth. 

Dr. Johnson was jotting notes down while she continued, "did anything happen this week that you feel you need to talk about?" 

"Yeah, you could say that . . . there is my car." 

Dr. Johnson just blinked. "Your car?" 

Ray leaned forward. "Okay, I have some sort of strange attachment or bond with my car . . . or cars as the case may be." Ray felt he was explaining himself quite clearly. 

"Cars?" Dr. Johnson questioned. 

"Well, yeah . . . ya see . . . I bought my first Riv - 1971 mint condition the most beautiful color of green - a few years after I married my ex-wife Angie. She hated the car . . . no, she hated the fact I blew our savings on the car without asking or discussing it with her first . . . she did end up loving that car though . . ." Ray drifted off into a daydream. 

"Ray . . . Ray . . . Ray . . . Mr. Vecchio?" Ray snapped out of the dream, "you said cars." 

"Within the first year of meeting Benny, I had to blow up the car to save our butts . . . I was devastated needless to say and then by some miracle, a 1971, green almost as beautiful as mine, Buick Riviera happened by and I had to have her." Ray was smiling at the memory of him running down the street trying to memorize the phone number of the seller of that vehicle. 

"You replaced your car with the exact same kind of vehicle, down to the color?" 

"Is there something wrong with that?" Ray relaxed back into the couch. "Cause, if there is, you better prepare yourself because I've had two more after that one as well." 

"Four Buick Rivieras?" 

"My second Riv was blown up by a pipe bomb, killing one of my fellow law officers - my friend. It was a bomb inadvertently meant for me to start a mob war . . ." Ray became really quiet and whispered, "he didn't deserve to die that way." 

Dr. Johnson was frantically writing, trying to get as much information as she could, wishing she had learned short hand when she had the chance. "What happened to your third Riv?" 

Ray laughed, "I leave on one undercover assignment . . . not even gone 24 hours and Benny and his new partner, my replacement-cover, end up having to dump it into Lake Michigan because some serial arsonist wannabe set it on fire. I leave my baby in their capable, or not so capable, hands and she's gone before I even touch ground in Las Vegas." 

"Well, you know they had no control over what happened, don't you?" 

Ray sighed, "Yeah, I know . . . It's just humorous, ironic, odd that three exact same car should meet the same fate of being engulfed in flames." 

"So you still have the fourth Riv?" Dr. Johnson flexed her hand to relieve the cramp forming. 

"Mmm Hmmm," Ray paused. "Thing is, I don't remember buying it or even how I got it. One of those things I can't remember and no one will tell me." 

"Anything else?" 

"Yeah . . ." Ray didn't want to discuss it but he had to, there was no one else he could talk to now. "I had this dream after our last session, it really freaked me out." 

"What was it about?" 

Ray leaned forward, resting his elbows on his thighs, hands clasped, eyes concentrating on his hands. "I'm not too sure what it was about. All I know is I was in a darkened building, walking aimlessly until I see a light in the distance. Then I'm walking towards the light almost at a running pace when I see a person lying on the ground. When I get there, I turn the person over and it's Benny. Now, while all this was going on, I hear voices calling my name and laughing. Horribly loud laughing, almost cackling but when I turned him over a calm ensued. His eyes were so blue, bluer than I remember. Then there were people yelling at me . . . saying it was my fault. When I turned to see who was there, I encountered another Mountie. I had never seen this man before but he was talking to me saying 'If it wasn't for you, she'd be with me.' I have no idea who this guy is or who he was talking about. 

"The next thing I did was turn in another direction and came face to face with my sister and there was hatred in her eyes. She said, 'If it wasn't for you, Benton would be with me now. 

"I turned in a third directions and Victoria was standing in front of me. She's the last person I'd ever want to see and what she said was, 'If it wasn't for you, Ben would have come with me. 

Now, this is what truly freaked me out. I could handle the strange Mountie, my sister and even Victoria but . . . I turned from Victoria back to where I had left Benny and he was standing there and said, 'Ray, if it wasn't for them, I'd be with you now.'" 

Dr. Johnson was jotting down the details of Ray's dream. "Seems like an interesting dream. What do you think it meant?" 

Ray made eye contact with the doctor. "If I knew what it meant, I wouldn't be here now would I?" 

"Ray . . . I mean what do you think it could have meant or how did it make you feel if you want to talk about that instead? 

"Ya know, before this all happened, I never thought much about dreams. To me, dreams were the result of an over active mind and that was that but now, this one seems important, like it's the key to something and I have to figure out what." 

"So, you believe this dream means something?" 

"Yeah, I think so. It's the only thing I have to hold onto at this point." 

"Well, Ray, let's recap what you remember so far: first you remember everything up until you leaving on the undercover assignment." Ray nodded his head. "Since waking in the hospital and returning home, you've remembered everything that happened during your assignment, your return for said assignment and your leaving and returning from Florida." 

"Yes." 

"Why don't we explore the different aspects of your leaving for the assignment. First off, what were your feelings about the assignment itself?" 

"I was excited at first but here was my chance to prove myself." Ray got up off the couch and began pacing excitedly. "I mean, they needed me . . . me . . . Ray Vecchio. I was the only one who could do it and . . ." Ray trailed off as his pacing slowed, ". . . there's another reason I can't seem to think of . . ." 

"Who did you feel you needed to prove yourself to?" 

"A lot of people . . . myself, Lt. Welsh, my dad, Benny . . . mainly Benny." 

"Why Fraser?" 

"Because . . ." and that was all he could think of off the top of his head. 

"Ray, that's not really a complete answer." 

"I guess It's cause he's always the one being Super Mountie, jumping on moving vehicles, stepping in front of the fire, doing crazy things that always save the day. He was Batman and I was Robin, silly huh?" 

"No, that is a very perceptive observation. So you figured if you took the assignment, the tables would be turned." 

"Yeah, I would be Batman . . . the only problem was I had no Robin to count on when I needed help. It was I and I alone. Those were some scary times." 

"Were you dating anyone when you left for the assignment?" 

"I wish . . . had I been, I probably wouldn't have gone," Ray sighed. "Heck, if I knew then what I know now I probably wouldn't have gone." 

"And what do you know now?" 

"What do you mean what do I know now?" 

"Ray, you just said, 'If I knew then what I know now, I probably wouldn't have gone.' What did you mean by that?" 

Ray stopped where he was and began blinking profusely. "I don't know. It's another one of those things I say and don't understand why I said them. Doc, if I don't get the rest of my memory back soon . . . I think I might go crazy." Ray walked back to the couch and sat down. 

"What are your feelings towards Fraser?" 

"My feelings? . . . Well, he's my best friend. You wouldn't think it but that's what we are, best friends. When he first came to Chicago . . . I thought he was a nut. No one could be that polite but he was. Before I knew it, we were best friends and he was not only my unofficial partner at work but also an unofficial member of the Vecchio family." 

"So, he's like a brother to you." 

"Yeah . . . but there's more to it than that . . . it's hard to explain." 

"We have time . . ." 

"Okay . . ." Ray reclined back down on the couch and Dr. Johnson smirked. "Benny and I have been through a lot together . . . more than a normal friendship would have endured but ours prevailed. I've hurt him, he's hurt me . . . our lives have been in danger so many times, I've lost count but we remained friends. I would do anything he asked and did anything he asked, relying on his judgment because the Mountie's never wrong. 

"One time, we got ourselves locked in a freezer at a meat backing plant and ya know what we did to keep warm?" Dr. Johnson shook her head. "He had us wrap ourselves in meat, MEAT! Who would've thought it, huh? That we would survive wrapped in meat, only Benny would and we did. He even used me as a human shield when one of the bad guys tried to shoot at him, the meat was that hard. Of course, I couldn't believe he even tried it but it did work. 

"The one thing he did during that fiasco that I have never forgotten was he gave me his hat to wear while we were waiting in that freezer. It was just like him to be selfless and make sure I was warm enough." 

"That's quite a unique situation. I can honestly say I've never heard a story anywhere near that." Dr. Johnson was beginning to understand their connection. 

"You ain't heard nothin' yet. Try this one: after the Victoria chapter of our lives, Benny and I took a trip up North in order to repair his dad's cabin. Needless to say, we never made it to our destination. Our plane was high-jacked and when our high-jacker found out Benny had figured out he wasn't our pilot, he bailed on us and the plane crashed." Dr. Johnson had an astonished look on her face. 

"Oh Dear, it gets better . . . after climbing out of the wreckage that was our plane, Benny made the decision that we track our high-jacker \- cause he most likely killed our real pilot - and take him in . . . it's a Mountie thing. Our mission underway, I agreed to it as always, he flips out his compass for me to read it for him because he can't see. The guy can't see and he's expecting us to go traipsing across the Canadian wilderness to find a killer. Is that nuts or what?" 

"Did you, as the saying goes, get your man?" 

Ray laughed, "Actually, we did. It was the first time in our lives where Benny depended upon me . . . it was a good feeling." 

"Why was it a good feeling?" 

Ray was quiet for a moment as he thought about the question. "He's given me everything . . . friendship, loyalty, love . . . he saved my career when he first came here and teamed up with me, I owe him so much from that alone, plus me shooting him . . . it's funny, no matter how much someone gives you of themselves, there's no repaying that generosity. I could work every hour or every day trying to repay him and I wouldn't even come close and he doesn't expect me to." 

"He seems like a wonderful man to have as a friend Ray and you're very lucky to have him in your life." 

"I know . . . and I miss him terribly." 

"Have you been in contact with him since you returned?" 

"No . . . it hasn't been all that long . . . a month or so." 

"You don't feel it's necessary?" 

"I wish I could talk to him but it's like he's isolated himself from me, purposely distancing himself and I don't know why." 

"Well, maybe that will come in due time. Unfortunately again, our time is up today." 

"Ya know, these sessions are just not long enough." 

Dr. Johnson snickered, "And before you didn't even want to be here." 

Ray gave a sheepish grin and laughed. "I guess I didn't realize how much I needed your help." 

"Am I helping?" Dr. Johnson asked, curious as to his opinion. 

"Yeah, no matter how grumpy I may get during them, you are helping." 

* * *

It had been a month since his original phone conversation with Stan and Fraser still couldn't believe he was doing it . . . returning to a town that held so many wonderful and yet painful memories. The only person keeping him grounded on his walk from the plane was the one he was carrying. 

When he emerged form the gate, he saw Stan immediately, how could you miss the experimental hair, and Stella was with him. Stan had a goofy little grin on his face. "It's good to see you Fraser," Stan said as he pulled his friend into a big hug. 

Fraser returned the embrace. "It's good to see you too Ray." 

As the two men pulled away, Stella began reaching for Madeline. "Here, let me take her." Fraser relinquished his niece and was struck with an odd happiness to see Stella's maternal instincts surface. She had definitely changed from the single-minded career woman. 

Stella, carrying Madeline, followed Ray and Fraser to the baggage claim area, then out to Stan's GTO. "So Fraser, where will you be staying while you're in town?" Ray asked as he placed Fraser's pack and Madeline's small suitcase in his trunk. 

"Well Ray, tonight we will be staying with the Vecchios but after that . . . you remember where Ray and I use to live?" Fraser asked as he opened the passenger door. 

"Yeah, I didn't know there was a hotel around there. I thought it was a residential neighborhood." Stan opened the driver's door and got in. 

"It is Ray. I've been talking with the landlord at the apartment complex and he informed me they haven't rented out our old apartment yet - he hasn't laid the new carpeting down nor painted the walls for the next tenant. He's agreed to let me move back in as I agreed to help with the carpeting and painting." Fraser said while he fastened Madeline into the car seat Stan borrowed from the Maria Vecchio. 

Stan turned to look at Fraser in the back seat, "What are you saying Fraser?" 

"What do you mean?" 

"You know damn well what I mean . . . Are you saying what I think you're saying?" 

"Yes Ray, I'm home," and a smile seemed to spread across Fraser's face. Although he dreaded coming back to Chicago, he always knew, deep down, he couldn't stay away. 

* * *

The house was quiet and dark as they exited the vehicle. "Frannie, where is everyone?" Ray asked as he walked around to the front of the Riv, meeting his sister there. 

"How am I suppose to know Bro, I was at work, just like you." Frannie replied, leading their way to the house. 

"I just thought maybe Ma or Maria said something to you. They didn't say anything to me." Ray followed his sister up the porch and to the front door. 

Francesca stood back to let her brother unlock the door. "Ray, they don't tell me everything." 

"Hmmm." Ray led the way into the house, reaching for the nearest light switch and started at what he heard and saw upon the rooms illumination. 

Once the light flicked on, everyone in the living room yelled, "Surprise!" It took Ray a few minutes to realize what was going on until he saw the banner that hung over the fireplace which read, "Happy 40th Birthday." It was his birthday and he'd forgot. 

Everyone was present: Lt. Welsh, Huey, Dewey, Elaine, Stella, Stan, Aunts and Uncles and Cousins he'd forgotten about and of course his mother, sisters, brother-in-law and his nieces and nephews. Ray felt a little embarrassed over the fuss being made. 

Ray walked further into the room to greet everyone and thank them for coming. It took him a good half an hour to make the rounds and just when he thought he was through, he turned and saw someone he'd missed, someone he never thought he would see. A grin spread across his face. A sheepish, almost shy grin and he looked down at the floor and then back up to make eye contact with his best friend. 

The gap between the two men started closing as each began walking towards one another. Fraser couldn't take his eyes off Ray. They had been through longer separations than this one but it had hurt just as much. 

Once they were standing in front of one another, Ray was the first to speak. "Hello Benny." 

Benny, the nickname was like heaven. Fraser loved that Ray and only Ray called that. Fraser smiled, "Hello Ray, Happy Birthday." 

"Thanks Benny," Ray said as he pulled Fraser into a hug and Fraser, at first, was reluctant to return the embrace but slowly, his arms found their way around the familiar body. "It's good to see you." 

Fraser breathed in deeply through his nose and Ray smelled, well, he smelled as he always had, wonderfully Ray. "It's good to see you too Ray." Fraser pulled away. 

When they separated, a sense of loss creeped over Ray, in Ray. He felt safe in that embrace. 'And was he smelling me?' Ray asked himself. 'Ah, just a Mountie thing. He smells, tastes and feels everything he can get his hands on.' "Did you bring Madeline with you?" 

"Of course Ray, she's upstairs in the nursery with Maria's little one, sleeping." Before Fraser had a chance to finish his sentence, Ray had turned and was heading towards the upstairs with Fraser in pursuit. "Ray, I just put her down . . ." Ray wasn't listening. 

Stan watched as the two best friends retreated upstairs and smiled. "Ray, what are you grinning about?" Stella asked as she wrapped an arm around one of Stan's. 

"Stella," Stan began, "I think everything is going to be all right now . . . for both of them." Stan turned and smiled an even bigger smile at his fianc. 

"Ya know Ray, I think you're right." 

* * *

By the time Fraser made his way up the stairs, Ray was no where in sight but he knew where he went. When he entered the open nursery door, he found Ray sitting in the rocking chair with Madeline. Ray had a sparkle in his eyes Fraser hadn't seen since before his sister's death. Fraser down cast his eyes at the thought. 

"You don't know how much I've missed you." Fraser heard Ray as he was talking to Madeline, then he heard Madeline giggle. When Fraser looked up, his heart nearly froze and his face must have shown it because the next thing he heard as Ray looked at him was, "What, haven't you ever seen the Puffin Face before?" 

Fraser smiled as Ray turned back to Madeline and he made the Puffin Face again, though this time, Madeline grabbed hold of the most prominent feature on Ray's face causing a snicker to come out of Fraser. "I think she missed you too Ray . . . or at least your nose." Fraser laughed some more. 

"Very funny Fraser." Ray held Madeline against his chest for a hug and she laid her head on his shoulder. 

"See, she's very comfortable with you. She remembers you," Fraser said as he approached Ray and crouched down beside the rocker. "We both missed you." 

"Ah, Benny, don't get all sappy on me. I missed you too but I can't go back to my party sobbing like a fool now can I?" Ray stood up to put Madeline back in the crib. 

Ray was still the same Ray he loved: loving, caring, thoughtful, sarcastic and volatile. Ray was never afraid to say what he was thinking. He had a spirit so alive, Fraser was slightly jealous. Fraser stood up and joined Ray by the crib. "She's beautiful, isn't she?" Fraser commented about Madeline as her droopy eyes closed for the last time. 

"That she is Benny, that she is." Ray placed a hand on Fraser's shoulder. "Come on, let's get back to the party. I'm quite certain Ma has already sent out the search party for us wondering where we are." 

* * *

The majority of the guests had left for the evening, leaving Fraser, Stan and Stella talking about what Fraser had been up to during the time he was in Canada. Ray was sitting amongst his friends, enjoying their conversation yet not partaking in it. He still couldn't believe Fraser made the trip down just for him but then again, this was Benton Fraser. He would do anything for a stranger and even more for a friend. 

Stella turned her attention to an ironically quiet Ray. "Ray, is everything okay? You're being so quiet tonight." 

"Yeah, why wouldn't it be? I mean I was the guest of honor at a wonderful surprise party . . . for my fortieth birthday might I add . . . all my friends and family were present . . . what more could I possibly want?" Ray sighed, even though he was happy, he knew once he went to bed, he would wake up the next morning right back where he started and no closer to regaining the missing parts of his life. "I'm sorry Stella, I didn't mean to snap at you." 

"It's all right Ray, I understand," Stella said, placing a reassuring hand on Ray's knee. 

He looked at her and could see the same sadness in her eyes that he saw in his own mother's eyes. "You understand? You understand. Everyone always understands." Ray's voice was escalating in volume and he stood up and took up the irritated pacing stance. "I blow up and everyone understands. I hate that. I'm still missing two years of my life and it's driving me nuts." Ray paced his way to the stairs and bounded up, retreating to his bedroom. 

A stunned Fraser turned back to Stella. "I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it . . . he's just frustrated." Fraser looked back to the stairs. "Has he been like this for a while?" 

"Yes and no," Stella answered. "I mean, when he first got back he seemed fine but as of late . . . it's just getting worse." 

Fraser looked at Stan. "Has he gone back to work?" 

"Yes but the Lieutenant has him on desk duty . . . won't let him out into the field until the doctor releases him from her care." Stan looked just about as worn as Stella did. They both had hoped the party would cheer Ray up a bit and it did but that just made him crash even harder. 

All three stood up. "It's getting late, why don't you two go home. I'll see you in the morning Ray. You will give me a ride to the apartment?" Fraser asked as led the couple to the front door. 

"Sure Fraser, just give me a call when you and Madeline are ready." 

"I will Ray." Fraser opened the door for his friends and said goodnight, closing and locking the door behind them. Fraser took a deep breath and released it as he rubbed his eyes. It finally dawned on him that there was a hard road ahead, a road in which may never end. 

* * *

"If it wasn't for them, I would be with you now." Echoed in his mind as he surfaced from his sleep, throwing the covers off and staggering out of bed. Ray was breathing hard when he reached for the knob of his bedroom door, grasping it tightly as his eyes adjusted to the darkness. He'd been having the dream two weeks straight and for the last week, when he woke up from it, at first he didn't understand why he was in his bedroom at the Vecchio home, as if he didn't belong there. 

Twisting the doorknob, Ray emerged into the hallway of the quiet house. It was 4:38 am and all were still asleep, including the Mountie and that calmed him immediately. It was way to early for him to be getting up but Ray wasn't ready to go back to sleep either after the dream he woke from. Ray headed back to his, bed pulling a comforter and a pillow off and dragging them behind him through the hall. 

Ray headed towards the guestroom but when he looked in, Fraser was no where to be found and neither was his bedroll. Even though they had a perfectly comfortable bed for Fraser to sleep in, he still seemed to prefer the bedroll. Why else would he have brought it? Ray shook his head as he closed the door and turned to head towards the nursery. 

When he opened the door to the nursery, the first thing to catch his eye was the light illuminating the room from the nightlight. For a small light it was mighty bright. His eyes moved to the floor where he found the sleeping Mountie. Ray entered the nursery, blanket and pillow in tow, closing the door behind him. 

Ray tossed the pillow on the floor, lay down and tried to make himself as comfortable as possible. Even though he hated sleeping on the floor, this was the only place he wanted to be. He wanted to enjoy Fraser's company, whether he was awake or asleep, as much as possible for he had no idea how long Fraser was planning on staying. Ray also didn't mind if he didn't fall back asleep because he had so much on his mind: the dream, his memory loss, why he felt the way he felt towards Fraser? Ray didn't understand this need he had to be near him, so near he wanted to touch him. It was truly confusing. 

Ray settled, lying on his side and watched Fraser sleep. Fraser was laying on his back, hands resting on his chest, Hudson Bay blanket only covering up to his waist. Ray was always amazed that even on a cold day, Fraser could be warm. Ray pulled his comforter up over his shoulder and snuggled into it, drawing his knees up to keep him warm. He sighed, causing Fraser to stir. Ray held his breath until Fraser settled and when did, Fraser was lying on his side, facing Ray, still fast asleep. 

As he lay there, staring at his best friend's face, Ray was struck by the beauty he saw. He was also struck with the confusion of why he found Fraser to be beautiful. Ray's heart began beating faster the more he thought about it. It seemed like a lifetime had passed since he'd seen the man he considered his best friend. He remembered leaving for the assignment, returning, being shot by Muldoon to save Fraser's life, retreating to Florida with a woman he didn't love and then returning to Chicago again but then what? Was that it or was there more? He couldn't remember emotional ties, just the basics of what happened. 

Ray snaked an arm out from under his covers and reached across the space separating him from Fraser. He placed his hand on Fraser's cheek and was amazed by how soft, smooth and warm he was. He was also amazed by how familiar it felt. Ray daringly continued to trace his way around Fraser's face and right when he was about to remove his hand from where it started, Fraser's eyes blinked open and the two friends were locked in a stare that froze Ray in his spot, hand still cupping Fraser's cheek. 

Fraser lay there; looking into Ray's eyes and what he could see was confusion. Fraser reached up and took hold of Ray's hand to remove it from his face and brought it to rest between them. A lump had formed in his throat. It had been too long since they last touched like this and Fraser refused to let go or Ray's hand. Ray didn't seem to mind either. 

Fraser was the first to break their silent stalemate. "Good morning Ray." Never had he felt so uncomfortable doing something as simple as holding Ray's hand and talking to him upon waking up. It was a simple act that he had done a million times before and yet it was like the first time all over again. 

"Hey Benny," Ray said as he gently squeezed Fraser's hand and noticed a slight smile perk at the corners of his friend's mouth. "Ya know Benny, we never really had an opportunity to talk last night . . . before I lost it with Stella . . . She must hate me now." 

"She doesn't hate you Ray . . . We all . . ." Fraser was just about to say, 'we all under-stand,' but stopped thinking it wise not to revisit that conversation again. "We know what you are going through. I at least understand as well, having lost my memory before." Ray smiled at that comment. It was good to know he wasn't alone in this journey of his. "Our scenarios are a little different, I didn't even know who I was, where you know who you are but just can't remember . . . " 

"Benny, I know what the differences are," Ray interrupted. "It's good to have you back here . . . if only for a little while. I have missed you, ya know. How long are you staying here?" 

"Well Ray, Madeline and I will be leaving in the morning," Fraser replied, not thinking to clarify his response. 

Ray's grip on Fraser's hand tightened. "Just like that, you're leaving?" 

"Yes Ray, Ray . . . I mean Stan will be picking us up later to . . . " Ray cut him off again. 

"You're leaving and you won't even let me drive you?" Ray's voice was beginning to rise. 

"Shhh, Ray, you'll wake the children." Fraser tried to calm him down, not knowing why he was becoming so agitated. "I didn't want to bother you. I figured you had enough on your mind to deal with." 

"Benny . . ." Ray started in a loud tone but stopped to take a breath and continued in his normal, nasally, talking voice. "Don't you know, you've never been a bother to me?" Ray pulled his hand away from Fraser's grasp, sat up and wrapped his arms around his legs, resting his chin on his knees. "Were you even gonna tell me you were leaving or were you just gonna go without saying goodbye?" 

Fraser lay there a moment, confused and stunned at the same time by how hurt Ray was sounding. He sat up and placed his hand on Ray's arm. "Ray, I'm not going back to Canada. I've rented an apartment not far from here as a matter of fact. That's where I'm going tomorrow . . . I'm sorry if I misled you." 

The weight that was sitting on Ray's chest was slowly lifting as the words Fraser spoke penetrated his brain. 'Fraser, not leaving, staying'. When Ray turned his head to look at Fraser, he didn't care that there were tears streaming down his face or that Fraser would see them. He knew his best friend would understand. "Are you staying because you want to stay or are you staying for me?" Ray had to know. 

"Does it really matter?" Fraser was becoming uncomfortable with the line of questioning. 

"Yes Benny, it does matter. It matters to me anyway." 

"Why Ray?" 

"Because . . . because I don't want you to stay just for me . . . it wouldn't be fair to you or Madeline. I can take care of myself. I've done so, so far." Ray didn't really mean what he said. He felt selfish for it but he really wanted Fraser to stay. 

He was trying to put on a brave front for him but Fraser knew better and if he didn't, he learned that fact last night. "Ray . . . I would be lying if I said I didn't come back for you but there's more to my decision than just that." Ray wiped the tears from his face as Fraser continued. "After I was shot and my sister died, all I wanted was for you to make it all right but when I found out you lost your memory . . . I couldn't depend upon you . . . not that I couldn't, more I shouldn't be so dependant upon you. It scared me to realize how much I did. You had so much to deal with; you didn't need me thrown into that mess so I decided to stay in Canada. I just needed time . . ." 

"Time for what?" 

Fraser rubbed his left thumb above the same eyebrow. "Time to think, time to get settled in a fatherly role, a single parent role. I wasn't prepared for this." Fraser gestured towards the crib. "I had come to the realization that I would most likely never have a child of my own and I was content with a life like that but the night my sister died . . ." Fraser couldn't finish his sentence. 

"Why return to Chicago, the city that was your exile so many years ago? Why?" Ray was now sitting with legs crossed, facing Fraser. 

"Because my family is here." It was said so simply, so sincerely, that Ray almost felt guilty for not realizing it in the first place. "You are my family Ray. You, your sisters, your mother . . . even Tony and the kids. Madeline needs a family now and what better family than a boisterous Italian family?" 

Ray smiled, "I can't think of a better family myself." He then leaned forward and pulled Fraser into an embrace. "Thanks for coming back Benny," and with that, Ray lay back down and curled up in his blanket. "We better get a little more sleep before morning, if we're gonna move you in and all." 

Fraser lay back down and as he laid there, tears started streaking down from his own eyes. It was hard, too hard to be so close and yet so far away. As he lay there, trying to regain his composer, he felt a slender hand take hold of his own and he relaxed. They fell asleep that way, neither of them feeling uncomfortable anymore. 

* * *

When Dr. Johnson entered her office, she noticed the change immediately. Her patient was relaxed, happy and to push a little further, he was glowing. Ray was seated on the couch with a small child sitting on his lap. She was at least a year and a half old and the little girl captivated all of Ray's attention. 

"Good morning Ray," Dr. Johnson said as she maneuvered her way around the toys spread out on the floor and approached her desk. "I see we have a guest for our session today." 

Ray looked up at the doctor and grinned. "Yeah, this is Maddie, Benny's niece." Ray tickled Madeline's foot and got her giggling. He beamed with pride as if he were her father. 

Dr. Johnson sat in her usual chair in front of the couch. "So, Fraser is in town I take it." 

"Uh huh, he got in last night for a surprise birthday party." 

"Whose birthday?" 

Ray snickered, "Would you believe mine? I turned forty yesterday . . . I even forgot it was my birthday." 

"Well, Happy Birthday Ray." 

"Thanks Doc" 

"So, how was your party?" 

"It was nice . . . unexpected . . . well of course it was unexpected, it was a surprise party after all," Ray sighed. "It was wonderful to see Benny again . . . I didn't realize how much I missed him until I saw him. I mean I knew I missed him but . . ." 

"It didn't register until yesterday," Dr. Johnson interpreted. 

"Yeah, yesterday and this morning." 

"What happened this morning?" Dr. Johnson watched Ray as a strained, confused look crossed his face. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to." 

"No, I want to . . . I have to," Ray said as he got up to lay Madeline on the floor. 

"Why do you have to Ray?" 

"Because there's no one else I can talk to about this . . . Ma would surely have a stroke, Frannie, well, Frannie would kill me . . . no one will understand." Ray walked back to the couch but sat at the other end to keep an eye on Madeline. 

"I'm all ears Ray." 

Ray looked at her and knew she would understand or at least get him to understand what he was thinking and feeling. "Can I start out by telling you what I think, I think and work back through it?" 

Dr. Johnson smiled reassuringly. "Yes, this is your session. We can do it any way you like." 

"Okay," Ray began, "I think I love . . . no . . . I know I'm in love with my best friend." 

Dr. Johnson's eyebrows perked up at his admission. "Fraser?" Ray nodded his head. "How did you come to this . . . realization?" 

"It's a long story." Ray relaxed against the back of the couch. 

"Ray, as you know, we've got the time." 

Ray suppressed a laugh. "When I saw Fraser for the first time after he woke up in the hospital in Moosejaw, I was so relieved he was going to be all right. I couldn't imagine living a life without him in it. I felt this way at the point of my life before I left for the undercover assignment and since returning from Moosejaw . . . such feelings have gotten stronger. 

"When he decided to remain in Canada with Maddie, it felt like my heart was breaking. I was so use to taking care of him, I just naturally assumed he would return to Chicago and I would help him with Maddie . . . take care of them both but I couldn't voice my disappointment. I myself didn't understand that disappointment and deep down, I knew he was right but it didn't make it hurt any less. 

"Returning without him just made it harder and more confusing. Then the dreams started . . . I know there's more, something important I can't remember and I think it has to do with my feelings towards Benny." 

"How do you know this Ray?" 

"I just do . . . Call it a hunch. This morning, I woke up from that dream again and instead of going back to sleep; I went to find Benny. When I found him, he was asleep on the nursery floor. It would be just like him to choose the hard wood floor over a comfortable bed. 

"When I settled myself next to him, I had this urge to touch him. Now this is going to sound a bit weird but I couldn't believe how beautiful he was. He didn't look any different than before, he was just beautiful. It's not like I didn't know it before either, I mean every woman in the greater Chicago area has fawned over him, including my sister but I guess I never saw it. To me he was just Benny . . . I'm babbling here aren't I?" 

"Ray, you're doing fine. What happened next?" 

"Well, needless to say, he woke up and I was caught in the act. I had my hand on his cheek and he woke up. That was something I had not planned on happening but I guess it was for the best because after we stared at each other for God only knows how long, he reached up, took hold of my hand and brought it down between us, never letting go. That startled me a little and yet comforted me. It gets confusing at this point. After we talked for a little while, I suggested we go back to sleep and after we were laying there for a minute or two, I noticed he was crying. Constable Benton Fraser of the R.C.M.P. was crying. I don't think I ever remember seeing him cry before but there he was, tears streaming down his face and I did the only thing I could think of doing." 

"And that was?" 

"I reached out to him . . . I took hold of his hand. We fell asleep like that." 

"I will have to agree with your assessment of your feelings towards Fraser but how does that make you feel?" 

"It scares the hell out of me. Is that a good feeling?" 

"If that is what you feel. There is no wrong or right way about it Ray. You can only feel how you feel and that is it. Why are you scared?" 

Ray got up when he saw Madeline abandoning her toys to crawl to the other side of the room. Ray picked her up and carried her back to the couch with him. When he sat down, she snuggled up against him and slowly drifted off to sleep. 

"There are many reasons why I'm scared." Ray didn't continue. 

"You can start listing them any time," Dr. Johnson prodded knowing if she didn't, he would probably just sit there and not continue. 

"It's not the I'm afraid of loving him . . . I think . . . I mean . . ." Ray paused to pondered what he wanted to say next. "We're soul mates. I think I knew that the first time we met but ya know how there are soul mates who are best friends and then there are soul mates who are lovers?" Dr. Johnson nodded her understanding. "Well, what if I'm confusing the two or what if I think we're the soul mates who could be lovers but Benny only thinks we're the soul mates who should just be friends? I know I can't live without him in my life." 

"Well, let's break this down a bit. What makes you think you are the lovers soul mates?" 

"I think we started out as friend soul mates . . . how could I know we would be lovers?" Ray stopped at that slip and corrected himself, "I mean how would I know we could be lovers at our first meeting? He was a perfect stranger to me then?" 

"There is always love at first sight. When did it change from friend to lover?" 

"I don't think there was one incident that caused the change, it just happened. We have been through so much together. He's led me into the fire more times than I want to remember but we always survived. He always made sure of that. When he needed saving, which was a rare occurrence but it has happened, I was there for him with no questions asked and no hesitation. 

"It was a natural progression I guess. Loving him was the next step in our relationship, even if it's just on my part. He's an easy person to love too. He's always giving of himself, caring for the underdog, sticking his neck out for strangers in need. Funny thing, all those qualities use to annoy the hell out of me and now they are the reason I love him. 

"What I fear though most is losing his friendship to these feelings. What if I tell him and he doesn't feel the same way and the fact of him knowing how I feel drives a wedge between us? Or worse yet, what if after I tell him he reciprocates my feelings only because he knows that is what I want . . . He's that kind of person ya know, to give even beyond the breaking point. Then there is the fear of what if he does reciprocate my feelings . . . 100% . . . then what? A whole new can of worms would be opened." 

"And those would be?" 

"My family, friends, co-workers, what would they all say if they found out Benny and I were lovers.?" 

Dr. Johnson contemplated whether to continue in this line of questioning or change the subject, then decided to stay the course. "Would it matter what other thought?" 

Ray sat there for a moment, thinking, pondering. He never really considered that question himself. "I guess my family are the only ones whose opinions would matter." Madeline started to stir and Ray adjusted to the new position she moved to. "I worry they won't accept such a relationship . . . if such a relationship is possible . . . this is all hypothetical at this point but it would kill Benny to lose his second family." 

"So you're more worried for him than yourself?" 

"Yeah, always him . . . I could care less what anyone thinks of me." 

"Okay Ray, let's recap here so that you and I are on the same page. You are in love with your best friend but you don't know if he returns that affection nor do you know if your family will accept such a relationship if said relationship is possible." 

"Right," Ray said, "you're pretty quick ya know." 

Dr. Johnson gave Ray a sarcastic smile. "Now, are these new feelings or are these feelings you definitely remember from the past?" 

"They're feelings I remember from before." Ray seemed sort of reluctant to admit it. 

"Is there something wrong with that?" 

"No . . . it's just so much time has past. So much time has been wasted. Here I am, forty years old, alone and I have a crush on my best friend. What kind of life is that?" 

"Ray, it's a normal life, just not one you're use to. You don't know Fraser doesn't care for you in the same way nor do you know that your family will reject him and you. How do you know they don't already know?" 

Ray was startled by that question, surely she didn't mean . . . did she? "What are trying to say Doc?" 

"Ray, all I'm saying is there's still a lot you don't remember and that before you can move forward, you need to regain your full past. For instance, what if you've already gone through the admittance of your sexuality and it went badly, do you want to go through it all over again?" Ray didn't answer. "I think we should concentrate on the missing years for now before we worry about the future, don't you agree?" Ray nodded his head. "Okay, our time is up for today. Do you think next week I could meet with Fraser also?" 

"What for?" Ray asked as he got up to gather Madeline's belongings. 

"Well, he was present during the traumatic incident that caused your memory loss, I thought he could help us through this . . . don't you agree?" 

"Yeah, I guess so . . . I'll ask him." Ray slung Madeline's diaper bag over his shoulder as he stood up. "Thanks Doc, I'll see ya next week." 

* * *

The Riv was pulled up and parked in the closet spot to the apartment complex Fraser was moving into, which actually was a block away, at the end of the street. Ray turned the ignition off as he watched his brother-in-law, Tony, climb into the U-Haul and drive away. Ray continued sitting in his car, watching as the rest of his family, which consisted only of Maria and Mrs. Vecchio, depart Fraser with hugs and kisses. The Vecchio women climbed into Maria's station wagon. After a final wave, Maria pulled out into traffic and headed for home. Ray waited for Fraser to go into the building before he got out of his car. 

The neighborhood was a lot different than the last one Fraser lived in. It was the kind of neighborhood Ray himself, would live in. "You must be a good influence on him Maddie," Ray said as he opened his car door and pulled his seat forward to retrieve Madeline from the back. After closing the Riv's door, Ray began walking up the sidewalk towards Fraser's apartment. He carried Madeline in one arm and the diaper bag slung over the other. As Ray approached the building, the front door opened and out walked Stella and Stan, hand in hand. Stella's face lit up when she saw Ray with Madeline. 

"Ray, we were wondering where you were," Stella began, "you missed out on all the heavy moving but there's still plenty to unpack. I'm certain Fraser would appreciate the help." 

"Yeah, that was basically the plan. I was to watch Madeline and then after my doctor's appointment, come here and help Benny . . . Although, I don't know why I had to watch Maddie, not that I mine, I mean Frannie was already watchin' all of Maria's kids but Fraser insisted I take Maddie with me." 

Stan and Stella knew all too well the reason why Fraser refused to leave Madeline with Francesca and it wasn't because she wasn't capable of taking care of her. Fraser had yet to forgive Francesca for what she did to Ray. In fact, neither of them had said one word to each other since he arrived back in Chicago and at this point, that suited Fraser just fine. 

"So Ray, how was your appointment this morning?" Stella changed the subject. 

"Good, I'm making some progress but I still have a ways to go." Ray shifted Madeline from one are to the other. 

"That's great Ray . . . well, we must be going," Stan said. "I have the afternoon shift today." 

"Okay Stan, I'll see ya tomorrow. Maybe we could do lunch," Ray suggested. 

"Sure Ray, sounds good," Stan said as he patted Ray on his shoulder. 

Stella leaned forward and kissed Ray on the cheek. "You take care now, okay?" 

"I will, thanks Stella." As Stan and Stella turned to leave, Ray entered the apartment building. 

Ray walked over to the elevator, grateful Fraser was now living in a building that had one that worked. As he approached, the doors slid open and he waited as the occupant exited, nodding his head and saying good morning in greeting. 

"Good morning Mr. Vecchio," the elderly woman said as she stopped to talk with him. "My, it is so nice to see you again, you and Mr. Fraser. We were afraid the building had lost two of its best tenants." The little lady smiled. "I feel so much safer with you two back in the building." She turned to continue on her exit, leaving Ray standing there. He was so stunned, he missed his ride up to the fifth floor. 

By the time he made it up to the Fraser's floor, Ray's head was spinning. If he thought he was confused before, he was even more so now. When he approached the door to Fraser's apartment, his automatic reaction was to reach out, grasp the doorknob and enter without knocking. Unfortunately for Ray, the door was locked and the left side of his body smacked into the unyielding door. Madeline laughed. "You think this is funny? You would get off on this sick kind of humor . . . it must be a Canadian thing." But Ray laughed too thinking about what had actually happened. For the first time, that he could remember, Fraser had locked his door. "He's living in a nicer neighborhood and now he decides to lock the door." Ray was shaking his head when Fraser opened the door. 

"Ray . . . were you banging on the door?" Fraser asked, startled to see his friend on the other side. 

"No! I was slamming my entire body against it. Since when do you lock your door?" There was a playful agitation in his voice as Ray proceeded through the doorway. 

Fraser closed and locked the door after Ray entered then stared at the lock. "I guess it's an old habit." Fraser reached back to the door and unlocked it before he turned around to see an inquisitive look on Ray's face. "Can I help you Ray?" 

Ray shrugged his shoulders, placing Madeline's diaper bag on the chair he was standing next to and then carrying her over to the playpen that was set up in the corner. "I don't know Benny, can you?" Ray walked back to where Fraser was standing. "I had an interesting conversation by the elevator just a couple minutes ago." Ray crossed his arms against his chest, preparing for the big showdown between himself and the stubborn Canadian. 

"Interesting how, Ray?" Fraser moved across the room and started rummaging through one of the many boxes that cluttered the living room. 

Ray turned to watch Fraser, in a state of panic, trying to occupy his mind with something other than what Ray wanted to discuss. Ray plowed ahead. "Seems you use to live here before. I ran into a nice older woman in the lobby when I was waiting for the elevator. What was it she said . . ." Ray pondered his earlier conversation with the woman, "Ah yes, something about she thought the building had lost two of it's best tenants. What did she mean by that?" 

"Ray, maybe she was referring to Dief and myself," Fraser suggested, hoping it would suffice Ray's curiosity. 

"I thought that too but . . ." Ray trailed off. 

"But what Ray?" Fraser stood up straight and turned to look at him. 

"She continued to say 'I feel so much safer with you two back in the building.'" And that was all Ray needed to say to stump his non-lying friend. 

"Oh." It was all a stunned Fraser could muster out. The only thought he could think. For once, he was speechless. "Um . . .Ray . . ." 

"Yes?" 

"Ray!" Both Fraser and Ray turned their heads towards a grinning 20 month old Madeline. She was standing in her playpen, looking at the two men. She repeated her exclamation, "Ray!" 

"How did she do that?" Ray was smiling the biggest smile Fraser had ever seen and it warmed his heart. 

"I've been practicing with her," Fraser explained. "I figured since we are the most important people in her life, she should know how to address us." 

"Important? Really?" Ray was stunned. 

"Yes Ray." Fraser smiled at him and Ray shyly smiled back. Fraser thanked his lucky stars and Madeline for side tracking their conversation. 

* * *

"Where's Vecchio?" Lt. Welsh snapped at Kowalski who just made head gestures in the direction of where his partner was. "How long has he been in there?" 

"Since we got back." Stan fidgeted with one of Ray's toys he had been carrying around. "No matter what we say, he won't come out." 

Lt. Welsh sighed deeply. "What was he doing out there anyway?" 

"Well, Lieutenant . . . we were at lunch when the call came in . . . call it bad judgment on my part . . . he wasn't suppose to get involved . . ." 

Lt. Welsh held up his hand to silence his babbling detective. "Get the Mountie here . . . NOW!" Lt. Welsh headed back to his office and slammed the door. 

* * *

He was quite certain Ray's driving habits had rubbed off after the countless hair greying rides he had made with him in the Riv. It was the only explanation to how he got to the precinct as fast as he did. He even had to reprimand himself on the handful of traffic violations he made but didn't care at this point. 

Fraser's hands were shaking as he shut the door to the consulate car (perk number one when you're the Chief Liaison Officer - use of consulate car), although since he was using it for a personal matter, Fraser deemed it necessary that he drive himself. 

When he entered the precinct, he was trembling, not knowing what to expect. All Stan told him over the phone was, "Ray's all right, we just need you down at the precinct as soon as possible. Ray needs you." Once in the squad room, Fraser was motioned to the Lieutenants office. "Sit down Constable." 

"Actually sir, I have been promoted so it would be incorrect to address me as Constable, although I am still a member of the R.C.M.P. and my uniform is still the same, I am now a Sergeant. I am the Chief Liaison Officer at the Consulate but if you would, please address me as Fraser, Sergeant sounds so informal..." Fraser was babbling, another habit he just chocked up to Ray's influence. 

"Fraser, please, just sit down." Fraser sat down as instructed for Lt. Welsh was still a Superior Officer. 

"Sergeant, wow. So, you've taken the position Inspector Thatcher occupied previously." Lt. Welsh was impressed and slightly proud. 

"Yes Sir. If we may though, can we get back to the reason my presence has been requested." Fraser was getting slightly impatient. "What has happened? Where is Ray? Is he okay?" 

"Sir," Stan came into Lt. Welsh's office, "he's still . . . oh . . . Hi Fraser." Stan stood in the doorway, refusing to make eye contact with his boss, who was still fuming about what happened. Stan wouldn't even look at Fraser because he blamed himself for allowing the incident to happen. 

"Hello Ray," Fraser said out of politeness. "Would someone please tell me what is going on?" 

Lt. Welsh looked at Stan, "Kowalski, why don't you tell Fraser here what happened so we can resolve this situation." 

Stan finally looked at Lt. Welsh and shuttered at his stare, then he turned to Fraser who was just looking at him, waiting, with concern in his eyes. "Fraser . . ." he didn't want to go through the story again. It was his sixth or seventh time this morning telling the details and he knew he would be telling it again and yet again. 

"Ray, please, just tell me." 

Stan took a deep breath before he began his story. "Ray and I, we went out for lunch today, like we usually do and right when we're gettin' ready to come back, a call came in. It wasn't a serious call like a bank robbery or a hostage situation, just a routine disturbing the peace call. Guy gettin' roudy in the park." Stan didn't know how he was going to continue but he did. He was on autopilot at this point. "I didn't want to take him . . . but he insisted. You know how he can be." Fraser only nodded. "I don't know what made me do it but I insisted he put my bullet proof vest on. I guess I thought if he was unarmed, he should at least be protected . . . somehow. 

"It turned out ot be a domestic squabble. When we arrived, the guy was beyond control. He freaked when he saw us. Ray tried to talk to him but like I said he was beyond control and he wouldn't listen. God he shouldn't have been there, I knew that . . ." 

"Ray, it's okay, please continue." Fraser's inside were turning and a feeling of nausea was setting in but he as trying to reassure his friend he did nothing wrong. 

"The guy pulled a gun and Ray calmly eased his way between the guy and his wife. He was still trying to talk to the guy but it was doing not good, if anything, the creep was gettin' angrier. Before I my mind registered what was happening, Ray's got his back to the guy, shielding the girl with his body and the scumbag starts shooting. I immediately retaliate and take the guy down but not until he got at least four shots out." 

Fraser's face went white. "Where's Ray?" 

Lt. Welsh broke in, "That's the reason we called you down here. Ray . . . while physically he's fine, a few bruises maybe but . . ." Even Lt. Welsh didn't know how to explain the whereabouts of his best detective. 

"When we left the scene, Ray was fine but he wouldn't say a word the whole way back. Wouldn't even answer any of the questions I asked. By the time we got back to the precinct, he was shaking . . . then he disappeared." Stan's head was now spinning from all the information he was reliving. 

"So, you don't know where he is?" Fraser questioned, running his left thumb over his eyebrow. 

Lt. Welsh cut in again, "We know where Detective Vecchio is . . . we just need your help getting through to him" 

"Sir, I don't understand." 

Lt. Welsh stood up from behind his desk and made a gesture with his finger for Fraser to follow. He led Fraser, with Stan close behind, through the squad room into the back hallway and then stopped halfway through. Lt. Welsh turned to look at Fraser then pointed. "He's in there." Fraser stared at the door Lt. Welsh pointed to. "I want you to get him out of there, take him home and he is not to report back here unless he gets an okay from his doctor . . . understood?" 

Fraser swallowed hard. "Understood, sir." 

Lt. Welsh left Fraser and Stan alone in the hallway. Stan placed his hand on Fraser's shoulder. "It'll be okay Fraser. I'm sorry . . ." 

Fraser cut Stan off mid-sentence. "You have nothing to apologize for Ray. It just happened. No one could have predicted what was going to happen and I know Ray and how stubborn he can be." Stan smiled, thanking God Fraser understood but then again, he always did. "I'm just thankful he was wearing the vest." 

Stan nodded in agreement. "I'm gonna go back to the squad room. If you two need anything, I'll be at my desk." 

"Thank you Ray." Fraser watched as Stan retreated down the corridor. Fraser gripped the doorknob then leaned his forehead against the door, taking a deep breath and releasing it to calm himself down. Fraser hadn't realized just how worried he had become over this but he was glad Ray was here, safe . . . inside the closet. 

Fraser stood up straight, cleared his throat and opened the closet door. What he saw scared even him; Ray was sitting in the closet, on the floor, knees tucked up against his chest, arms wrapped around his knees. Ray was also still wearing the bulletproof vest and Fraser could tell he had been crying. 

Ray flinched when the light streamed into the small dark closet and hugged his legs even tighter. It was a pitiful sight to see. "Ray?" He didn't answer Fraser. "Ray, I'm coming in, is that okay?" There was still no reaction on Ray's part in which Fraser could only assume he wasn't being denied access. Fraser entered the closet, closing the door behind him. Once the door was shut, he reached up and once he found the light string, he pulled it, turning on the small light hanging from the ceiling. 

Fraser sat down on a box of copier paper across from Ray. There was but inches that separated the two men in the small and enclosed space yet it felt like miles. Fraser placed a light grip on each of Ray's forearms. "Ray . . . please look at me." Ray's eyes' flickered up and met with concerned blue ones. Tears, hesitantly, began rolling down Ray's cheeks and Fraser reached up and wiped what he could away but they kept coming. "Ray, it's all right. You are all right. Everything is going to be okay now." A span of silence passed between the two friends. "Do you want to talk about it?" Ray shook his head. "Okay . . . Would you at least let me take the vest off of you?" Ray only nodded. 

Fraser remained seated, trying to decide how he was going to get the vest off. "Ray . . . Ray . . . Ray, listen to me. I need you to stand up." Fraser stood up but he had to help Ray up. "Stand still . . ." Fraser reached around Ray and began releasing the Velcro straps of the vest. Once the straps were undone, Fraser peeled the vest off Ray. Vest off and discarded, he could see Ray begin to tremble and could even hear whimpers escaping his usually strong friend. 

When Fraser moved to wrap his arms around him, Ray immediately moved closer, leaning into the embrace and began sobbing. Fraser placed his palms on Ray's back, trying to sooth his friend. When he did, he could feel where the bullets had impacted due to the heat emanating from the impact area. He didn't have to imagine what it looked like for he had seen it before when Victoria shot him. This time it was Fraser who shuttered. He knew that was the reason behind this violent reaction Ray was going through and he cursed her for doing this to him. 

When Ray began shivering in his embrace, Fraser concluded he was going into shock. Fraser frantically pulled away and began removing the belt from his brown uniform jacket. Once Fraser got his uniform jacket off, he wrapped the jacket around Ray's shoulders and embraced him again. "Ray, we need to get you to the hosp . . ." Fraser began as Ray frantically shaking his head cut him off. "Ray, we need to get out of here." Ray nodded this time, a little more calmly. "Where do you want to go Ray?" 

Ray moved his head ever so slightly so that his mouth was but millimeters from Fraser's ear, then he whispered, in a ragged voice, "Please . . . take m . . . home." Ray could feel Fraser nodding in agreement and breathed a sigh of relief. 

Fraser released Ray and bent down to pick up his discarded uniform accessories. "Are you ready?" Ray only nodded, falling back into the silence that was not his usual disposition. Ray pulled Fraser's jacket tighter around himself and waited to be led out. 

Unfortunately for Ray, they had to cross through the squad room to get out but for Fraser, it was a blessing. When Stan saw Fraser, arm protectively leading Ray to the other door, he was up in a flash. Stan didn't even get a chance to say anything before Fraser started giving him directions. "Would you please let Lt. Welsh know I've taken Ray home?" Stan nodded. "And could you call Mrs. Vecchio to let her know we will be arriving shortly. Please tell her as little as possible without worrying her. I will give her the details when I get Ray settled." 

Stan couldn't believe this was the same man he had lunch with only hours ago. Ray was always someone so full of life. Emotions oozed from his personality and he was never afraid to tell you how it was or what he thought. Now, he sheltered himself in Fraser's brown uniform jacket and refused to make eye contact with anyone. "Sure Fraser, anything you say. What about your car?" 

The one detail Fraser hadn't thought about, two cars and only one able driver. "I guess I will just have to walk back . . ." 

"Fraser, I'll take care of the car somehow, just give me the keys and don't worry. Now get out of here." Stan took the keys Fraser fished out of his coat pocket and made a shoeing motion with his hands as he started towards Lt. Welsh's office. 

"Ray?" Fraser called when Stan was halfway there. Stan turned around. "Thank you kindly." 

* * *

The drive to the Vecchio home was a much saner drive than the earlier one to the precinct. Fraser still couldn't believe the carelessness he displayed. Mrs. Vecchio met them at the door as Fraser was ushering Ray through the threshold. She was shocked by the appearance of her son and even more so by the concern wearing on Fraser's face. 

Once her boys were in, Mrs. Vecchio closed the door. "Caro, what happened? Stanley call and said you were bringing my Raymondo home . . . what is going on?" Fraser could hear the worry in her voice and he didn't blame her for the frazzled state but he needed to get Ray safely settled before he would go through the details with his mother. 

Fraser was so worried about Ray, he didn't even realize how he addressed her. "Mum, if you would let me get Ray up to bed, I will gladly explain what happened, I promise." 

Mrs. Vecchio placed a hand on Fraser's arm and squeezed. "I will make some tea." She leaned in and placed a kiss on Fraser's cheek then one on Ray's. She whispered something in Italian in Ray's ear that Fraser could only assume was an endearment, then she turned to head towards the kitchen. 

* * *

"Hey Stan!" Francasca called from across the squad room as she sauntered her way to his desk. "Where's Ray?" She had started referring to Stan as Stan after Ray's return because she felt it was just too confusing with two Rays. 

"Ray Vecchio?" Stan had way too much on his mind for even a simple question. The guilt from earlier in the afternoon was still weighing heavy on his conscience. 

"Yeah, you know, Ray, my brother, your partner. Where is he? He's my ride home." Francesca sat at Stan's desk, inspecting her nails and smacking away at a wad of gum. 

Stan's head took a dive for the desk and remained there until he could collect himself. "Frannie . . . Fraser took Ray home earlier today . . . I'm sorry, I guess I just forgot . . . I mean I didn't think . . . Oh God." His head was back down. 

"Stan are you okay, is everything all right?" 

"Ray is okay . . . well . . . he wasn't hurt seriously . . . what I'm trying to say . . ." Stan did not want to go through it again. It was like reliving a nightmare over and over with no chance for escape. 

Francesca piped in, "Stan, just spill it." 

Stan took a deep breath and plowed through the details. "Your brother was involved in a shooting this afternoon and he was shot at. Now he was wearing a vest so none of the bullets injured him but he was shook up pretty badly and we had to have Fraser come to get him out of the closet to take him home. I'm sorry, I didn't even give you a thought." 

Francesca could see the anguish on Stan's face. "Stan, it's okay, as long as Ray is all right, that's all that matters." She paused then, "How am I gonna get home?" 

"You could always walk," Stan suggested, "I mean Fraser does it all the time." Stan could see the clouded look that crossed Francesca's face. "I'm sorry Frannie . . . I guess I wasn't thinking . . . again." 

She reached out and patted Stan on the arm. "That's okay, it's my own hole I've dug." 

"Hey Frannie, I have an idea. I have to get the consulate car to your house since Fraser took your brother home in the Riv . . . Why don't you take it home . . . that way you have a ride home and everyone will be happy." 

"No . . . no, I can't . . .no." She got up to leave when Stan gently grabbed her arm. 

"Frannie," he began, placing Fraser's keys in her hand, "take the car, please and talk to him. It will do you both a world of good. God knows he needs all the support he can get." 

Francesca just stood there, staring at the keys in her hand. She was pretty certain there was no way in hell Fraser would forgive her. She'd been cherishing the time she had with an unsuspecting Ray but she also knew too once he regained his total memory, he wouldn't want to have anything to do with her either. "I can't Stan." 

Stan dug in to stand his ground. "Frannie, you have to." 

"Why?" She glared at him. 

"Because this time he won't take the initiative to do it. It's gonna be up to you. Anyway, this is Fraser we're talking about. He forgives every and anybody as long as they want forgiveness. You want to be forgiven, don't you?" Francesca nodded her head then snickered. "What?" 

Francesca looked up at Stan and said, "It's nothing, I was just thinking with all this talk of forgiveness, you sound an awful lot like Ma." 

Stan smiled. "Well, what did you expect. I was your brother for a year . . . you guys were bound to rub off on me." 

"Was? You still are my brother." Francesca moved closer to Stan and pulled him into a hug. "Thanks bro." 

* * *

It took Fraser a half hour to get Ray settled, half of that time spent getting his own uniform jacket off him and the rest of the time to get him relaxed in bed. Once asleep, Fraser headed downstairs to tackle his next task of explaining to Mrs. Vecchio what actually happened to her son. 

The tea was calming and it went better than he expected. He was certain she was putting on a brave front for him because he felt like he was going to lose it right there in front of her and he could do that. 

"Caro, why don't you stay tonight? Let me take care of both my boys." A sob escaped beyond his control. Mrs. Vecchio pulled him into an embrace. "There, there, you should never keep things bottled up like that. It's not good for the soul. I know how you feel Caro . . . you want to wrap him up and protect him but you can't. He has to go through this and all you can do is be there for him. He will remember, don't you worry about that." Mrs. Vecchio pulled away from a much calmer Fraser. "Now, you go upstairs and be with Raymondo. Madeline is taking a nap right now and if she wakes, I will look after her." 

Fraser nodded his head. "Thank you." 

* * *

Fraser made one pit stop before going back to Ray's room. He had to check in on Madeline if just to see her and reassure him that everything was going to be okay. She and Ray were the only two reasons he lived each day and that thought scared him sometimes. He patted Madeline's back gently then retreated from the nursery to head towards Ray's room. 

When he entered the room, he was shocked to see that Ray had moved. While he was gone, from what he observed in the room now, Ray had climbed out from under the covers Fraser had previously tucked him so carefully under, walked across the room and retrieved Fraser's uniform jacket. Now, he was lying on his bed, on top of the covers with Fraser's jacket wrapped around him, sleeping soundly. Fraser quietly closed the door and approached the bed. 

The funny thing he noticed was that Ray was laying on his own side of the bed, leaving Fraser's side wide open and inviting. It had been far too long since he'd shared a bed, let alone this bed, with Ray. Fraser couldn't pass up the opportunity. Plus, the afternoon's events seemed to have worn him out and he felt a nap wouldn't hurt. If Ray should wake up, asking questions, he would think of something to tell him as to why he was sleeping in his bed . . . with him. 

Fraser gently climbed onto the bed, also on top of the bed covers and stretched out for a short nap. The minute he was comfortable, he felt Ray stir and Fraser tensed thinking he might be waking up already but instead, Ray turned over, mindlessly shrugging out of Fraser's jacket and inched closer. Fraser lay there, Ray's body pressed up against his and relaxed. 

* * *

Fraser startled himself awake. It wasn't a jumping out of bed startle, more he was laying there one minute and the next, his eyes were wide open and he noticed everything around him. First, there was the fact he was not in his apartment but the memories of the events from earlier in the day reminded him of where he was and why. Second, the warmth against his side that he relished falling asleep with was gone. Sitting up in the dusk-lit room, he knew he wasn't alone. 

"He's in the shower," the person standing by the window said as she cradled a sleepy Madeline in her arms for the first time. These were also the first words Francesca had spoken to Fraser since their last meeting in the apartment when Ray found out about what she had done. "I saw him go in when I was in the nursery. Ma checked on him, he should be out shortly." 

Fraser didn't say anything. The time that had passed since their last encounter still hadn't healed all the wounds and he didn't know what to say to her without losing his control. Fraser just got off the bed and walked over to where Francesca was standing and carefully scooped Madeline out of her arms. "I'll take her." 

"I wouldn't hurt her ya know." Francesca was stunned by Fraser's reaction to her holding his niece. 

"No, I don't know. I never thought you'd hurt Ray or myself but you did." Fraser exited Ray's bedroom and headed for the nursery to place Madeline back in the crib. He knew he wouldn't be able to keep this level tone much longer if their conversation was to continue, which it inevitably was since she was still in the room when he returned. "What do you want Francesca?" 

Francesca turned from the window to face Fraser. He was barely inside the door, looking like he didn't know where he should stand or even if he belonged. "Forgiveness?" 

The strangest sound eminated from him it almost threw her off guard until she realized, he was laughing. It wasn't a playful laugh either, more an unbelieving laugh. Stan had warned her, she just didn't know the depth of the hurt her jealousy caused. "Please leave," Fraser asked calmly. He was surprised at how calm he actually was. 

"Fraser, please, just . . ." Francesca didn't get a chance to finish her plea. 

"No! Do you think just because you've decided to ask for forgiveness, I'm to turn the other cheek? Just because you've had an epiphany, I'm to rejoice and thank God for your enlightenment? I can't do it and I won't." Fraser stopped and sighed. He hated how he was sounding but at this point, he didn't have the energy to deal with her. He had Ray and Madeline and they both seemed to be taking up a lot of his energy, which he freely gave. He just didn't have the strength to deal with what had happened between Francesca, Ray and himself, especially when Ray wasn't there to help him. 

Francesca made a motion to leave the room and just when she was through the door, Fraser grabbed hold of her arm. When she looked up at him, it was the first time she understood what he was going through. She could read the turmoil in his eyes. "Francesca . . . I can't . . . not now . . . not yet," he paused before continuing and released the breath he hadn't known he was holding. "I can't guarantee anything at this point . . . but I will try . . . just don't push the issue, please?" 

Francesca was holding back tears as she nodded her head and closed the door behind her. The goal was to make it to her room before Ray got out of the shower but that just didn't happen. Right as she passed the bathroom door, it opened and Ray stood there, staring at his sister. "Frannie, what's wrong?" Tears were already streaming down her cheeks when she saw him. She just shook her head and continued towards her room. "Frannie?" It would do Ray no good if she lost it in front of him. Francesca locked herself in her bedroom. 

* * *

When the bedroom door opened, Ray found Fraser buttoning up his jacket. "And just where do you think you're going?" Ray was standing in the doorway, hands on his hips, wearing a pair of striped silk pajamas. 

Fraser froze in his spot. He felt like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "I ... well . . . it is getting late Ray." Fraser turned his head to look at Ray and there was a marked improvement in his friend's appearance. "How are you feeling Ray?" 

Ray closed his bedroom door and replied, "Not great but I'm all right. I'll manage." 

Fraser sat down on the bed. All of the sudden, he was at a loss for words. He didn't know what to say or if there was anything he could say at all. 

"Ray . . ." "Benny . . ." 

Fraser made a gesture for Ray to continue. "Benny, why did she do it?" Ray sat down next to Fraser. 

Fraser wasn't sure whom he was speaking of, was it Victoria or Fancesca? "Who Ray?" 

"Victoria." Ray whispered her name. He didn't want to say it any louder for fear by saying too loud, he could conjure her up like a spirit and he just couldn't deal with her physically right at that moment. 

Now Fraser wasn't sure if Ray was referring to the money scam or the kidnapping. He waded into the waters slowly. "What do you mean Ray?" 

Ray sighed deeply and Fraser could tell there was agitation by his body language. "Why did she shoot at me Benny?" And then, Fraser knew. "I mean, I know I'm not her most favorite person in the world, next to you but why did she risk getting caught?" 

"I don't know Ray." The answer was simple and to the point and too vague for Ray's liking. 

"Is that an I don't know I can't tell you or a serious I don't know?" 

The corners of Fraser's lips curled up as he wondered how many times Ray had asked that since his return from Canada. "Ray, I truly don't know. How much do you remember about it?" 

Ray sighed as he ran his hands over his face and then up over his scalp. "Me coming back from Florida, you being kidnapped, how scared I was . . . I just get back to reclaim the life I rejected and you were snatched away. I thought I'd never see you again." 

Fraser turned his head to look at Ray. He hated seeing Ray go through this ancient history all over again. "Ray, that's all over now. I'm okay, you're okay, we both made it through that time and became stronger men for it." 

"How can you dismiss it so easily. To me, it just happened yesterday. How did you do it?" 

"Do what Ray?" Fraser returned his eyes to his hands, clasped in his lap where he was mindlessly twisting the ring on his finger. 

Ray shot up off the bed. "Fraser, you know what I mean." 

Fraser watched as his friend frantically paced in front of him, hands on his hips, thinking. How he wished this was all over. That he could get up and wrap his arms around his lover once again. To be able to feel and touch every inch of Ray's body. To be able to calm and sooth all his worries and fears away but he couldn't and it was killing him. "Ray," Fraser began. That one word, one utterance of his name, stopped Ray in his tracks. "I never dismissed what she did nor have I or will I ever forgive her." Fraser's voice was becoming more intense than he planned so he paused to gain some control. "What she did to you was unspeakable. Even I couldn't believe the diabolical plan she created but I had to let go of it . . . my fear, anger . . . If I didn't, it would have eaten me up inside and where would that leave me?" 

Ray's stance relaxed as he let his arms hang loosely at his side. Fraser's words were getting through. "So basically, what you're saying is it's just gonna take some time." 

"Exactly Ray. You can't let her hatred, her darkness effect you because once you do, then she's won." Fraser was surprising even himself with his revelation. "The first time she hit town, I let that darkness in and you know what that did to me. When she came the second time, I refused to be effected by her." Fraser fell quiet as he continued to fidget with his ring. 

Ray, being the observant detective he was, noticed Fraser's fidgeting because one, it was not like Fraser to be so antsy and two, it was driving him crazy. Ray walked close to Fraser and grabbed his hands. "I understand Fraser, thank you for putting in into some perspective for me." Ray lifted up Fraser's right hand and investigated the ring. "What's this?" 

Fraser pulled his hand away and got up of the bed, moving as far away from Ray as possible. "It's nothing Ray." 

"Obviously that's a lie." Ray commented. "What is it?" 

"It's a ring . . . what does it look like?" Fraser was standing by the window, staring down at the street below. It was nearly dark now and he was wishing he had left when he had the chance. 

"Fraser," Ray had his annoyed tone going, "I know it's a ring, I'm not stupid. Why are you wearing it? I've never seen any such jewelry on you before . . . for as long as I've know you." 

Fraser's head dropped in a silent sigh. "Someone gave it to me." 

"Who?" Ray being ever so inquisitive. 

"I'd rather not say." Fraser was being ever so evasive. 

"Are you with this person now?" Ray was surprised at the thought that Fraser was seeing someone. He, himself, had just come to terms, again, that he was in love with his best friend and now to find that his best friend was spoken for had his head spinning. This revelation was closing the doors on Ray's happiness. 

"In what sense Ray?" 

Ray rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Fraser . . . what I mean is are you dating this person?" 

Fraser raised a hand to cover his eyes. "No." It was a whisper but from the silence in the room, it was more like a shout. 

Ray walked over to Fraser and placed a hand on his shoulder. "But this is someone you want to be dating?" Fraser just nodded his head. "Why aren't you? I mean, I'm quite certain if you bat those baby blues of yours she'd be swooning at your feet." 

Fraser turned his head up and looked at Ray and the look scared the heck out of Ray. For the look had him swooning. "It's not that simple Ray . . . please, I'd rather not discuss this right now." 

"Come on Benny, you deserve to be happy. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't help you. Is it someone I know?" 

"Ray . . ." Fraser needed to get out of this conversation and fast. "Yes, it is someone you know but nothing is going to happen at this point in time. This person is very important to me . . . I can't risk confusing a relationship into the scenario. Can we please just not discuss it anymore?" 

"Okay Benny, I'm sorry if I was being pushy . . . you're not mad are you?" 

Fraser smiled at his friend. "Ray, I could never be mad at you . . . you're my best friend, the most important person in my life, after Madeline. I don't know what I would do without your friendship and support." 

Ray was smiling now. "Benny, are you getting sappy on me here?" 

"I just might be Ray." Fraser pulled Ray into a bear hug. "Thank you." 

* * *

When Dr. Johnson entered her office, the sight she beheld, well she had to admit that, it took her breath away. She had passed Ray in the waiting room and he told her Fraser was waiting for her in the office so she was expecting him but she wasn't expecting him to look like he did. "Hello Mr. Fraser, my name is Dr. Johnson. It is good to finally put a face to a name." Dr. Johnson stretched out her hand to shake his and what a face it was. Of all Ray's talking, she never expecting him to look this good. 

Fraser took hold of the offered hand. "Thank you kindly but you can call me Ben." His smile was radiant, slightly shy and could melt anyone's heart. 

Dr. Johnson gestured to the couch, "Please sit down. I'm glad you agreed to meet with me." She then sat down in her usual chair. 

"Why wouldn't I?" Fraser asked. 

"Well, some people kind of get a bit skittish when the word psychiatrist is mentioned." 

"I can't deny being a little uncomfortable but if this will help Ray in anyway . . . I would never say no." 

"How have things been lately, since your return?" 

There was a bemused look on Fraser's face for a second, then he turned all serious. "As good as can be expected when your sister's been killed, you have been left to raise her child and the person you depend upon most in life doesn't remember you're more than 'just friends,'" Fraser sighed as the tone in his voice registered in his brain. "I'm sorry, things are okay . . . considering . . . I'm managing. It's just some days are worse than others. Yesterday being the worst so far." 

"What happened yesterday?" 

"Yesterday, Ray, being the stubborn person that he is, was where he shouldn't have been which resulted in him being shot at." 

"Oh my God!" Dr. Johnson exclaimed. "He's all right though, I mean, I saw him in the waiting room . . ." 

"Yes, Ray was wearing a bullet proof vest so he escaped unscathed." Fraser rubbed his thumb over his eyebrow. "Although, he had a bad reaction to the incident in which I was called down to the precinct . . . I had never seen him in such a state . . ." 

"Could you explain this reaction?" 

"You might find this a bit alarming but I believe I understand his reasoning. When I arrived at the precinct, Ray had been sitting in the supply closet for a good hour or so." 

"The closet?" 

"Yes doctor, the closet. As I said before, you might find it alarming but if you would let me explain . . . I think you will agree with me with the reason he did so." Dr. Johnson made a gesture for him to continue. "Very well, you see, Ray and I . . . .well, we use to go into the closet to discuss various cases we were working on. Sometimes it was the only quiet place for us to think. I believe he went in there to think about what happened and later I found out to think about what he remembered. Although, I think once he was in there, the memories became too much for him to handle." 

"Ray remembered something?" 

"Yes." 

Dr. Johnson should've known this wasn't going to be easy. "Could you elaborate on that?" 

"Of course . . . has Ray told you much, if anything, about Victoria Metcalfe?" Dr. Johnson nodded her head. Fraser continued to explain what happened when Ray returned from Florida and how it ended. 

Dr. Johnson connected the two occurrences immediately and could understand why the incident in the park triggered the memories from the past. "Ray is making wonderful progress, I must say. I think your returning to Chicago has been a great help. Are you staying long?" 

Fraser lifted his eyes from his clasped hands and gave the doctor a look she would never forget. It was a look of determination. "I will never leave Ray again . . . I've done that one too many times." 

"You've left him before?" 

Fraser closed his eyes and leaned back in the couch. "It's a long, painful story . . ." 

"Ben, we have time . . . please continue." 

"It was not long after our one year anniversary . . . you do know we were lovers?" He wasn't even thinking before this whether she knew or not. Dr. Johnson answered him by a nod of her head. There was a smile on Fraser's face that expressed pure love and devotion. Ray was very lucky to have such a person in his life. "Although most of the year had been blissful, there was one day where Francesca, Ray's younger sister, found out about us. Before then, only his mother knew and she was really supportive about it but when Francesca discovered our secret . . . let's just say she was not happy." 

"Why is that?" 

"Because she liked me . . . no . . . she loved me or as Ray would say, lusted after me." Fraser was rubbing his eyebrow again. "I never reciprocated these feelings . . . I mainly high tailed and ran in the other direction." Fraser laughed to himself. "I thought she was over me because she married another . . . a fellow Constable at the Canadian Consulate . . . they seemed happy at first. She even moved to Canada with him but it didn't last. 

"When she returned home," Fraser continued, "she was back to her same old 'flirty' self but the only difference this time was Ray and I were lovers. So when she figured out our secret, it went all down hill from there." 

"How did this cause you to leave Ray? You didn't leave him for her, did you?" Dr. Johnson couldn't even fathom Fraser doing such a thing but then again, love can make any man or woman weak. 

"In what sense to you mean? If you are asking did I leave him to be with her, no. I would never be that cruel and I could never leave Ray like that." 

"But you did leave him." 

"Yes . . . you see, Ray went through a rough time without her . . . Ray is a big family man. Before we were a couple, they were his life and when she refused to associate with him, it hurt him terribly. Long story short, I decided to have a talk with her, she somehow convinced me it would be best if I left so . . . I left." 

Dr. Johnson could tell she wasn't going to get much more information out of this man about this topic. "That was very noble of you." 

"Yes . . . but very stupid too. Are we through here yet?" Dr. Johnson could see the agitation on his face and decided this was enough for now. 

"I suppose I could bring Ray in here now, if you'd like." Dr. Johnson said as she stood up and walked to the door. She could hear Fraser utter the phrase, 'Oh dear', and when she turned to look at him, he was leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his head resting in hands. 

"Hey Benny, everything go all right?" Ray sauntered into the office. 

Dr. Johnson observed Fraser straighten up and with a smile to reassure his friend. "Yes Ray, why would it have?" She could see that this man loved her patient very much. 

* * *

When Ray walked through the threshold of his friend's apartment, he couldn't believe the state the living room was in. Fraser was the neatest person on the face of the Earth but you wouldn't be able to tell that by the devastation. "Fraser, you okay in here?" In the corner, in her playpen, was Madeline and she was adding to the devastation by throwing her own toys out onto the floor. "Fraser?" Ray walked around the living room and started picking up sofa cushions, magazines, toys and the like. When Ray looked towards the kitchen, he saw Diefenbaker hiding under the kitchen table. 

Fraser walked out of his bedroom, uniform jacket long discarded, shirtsleeves rolled up, tie . . . gone, somewhere in the wreckage and he was sweating. "Hello Ray," Fraser began a little breathless, "I didn't hear you come in." 

"Obviously," Ray said as he continued to straighten up the living room. "Are you looking for something? Heck of a time for this because at this rate, you are going to be late for work." 

Fraser was rubbing his eyebrow with his thumb. "Ah . . . no . . . well . . . maybe . . ." 

"Fraser, it's a yes or no kind of question. You're either lookin' for somethin' or not. Unless you just enjoy tearing your apartment apart to clean it all over again . . . that's some sort of sick Canadian thing isn't it?" Once all the cushions were in place on the couch, Ray sat down. 

"I . . . I just . . . I can't believe . . ." Fraser was at a loss for words and Ray could see he was truly panicked. 

"Benny, come here and sit down, you're a nervous wreck." Fraser complied, sitting in the chair next to the couch. "Ya know, I can't get use to you living in such an apartment . . . with so much furniture." Ray was trying to distract Fraser but it really wasn't working. 

"I guess you're a good influence on me Ray." Fraser said as he sat, slowly letting himself calm down. 

"Okay Benny, what are we lookin' for." Fraser sat quietly, staring at his hands and for the first time, Ray noticed, he wasn't fidgeting. Then he noticed why. "Your ring . . . is that what you've been lookin' for this morning?" Fraser nodded. "Oh Benny, I'm sorry. I'm sure it will turn up. Things always have a habit of turning up." Fraser still wasn't saying anything. "You loved this person very much huh?" 

Fraser looked up at Ray and smiled. "I love this person very much." 

Ray swallowed the lump in his throat. He didn't need to hear the word to know. Ray could tell Fraser loved this person very much just by the look in his eyes. "Come on Benny, let's get you to work and I take Madeline back home with me." Ray got up and walked over to get Madeline. "Hey Maddie, you ready to be spoiled?" 

Madeline patted her hands on Ray's cheeks as he lifted her out of the playpen. "Ray... Ray go bye." 

"Yes, we're going bye-bye . . . if your Uncle gets his butt moving that is." Ray shot Fraser a look but there was no movement. "Earth to Benny . . . Hello! Come on, I'll help you look for it tonight, okay?" 

That got a reaction. Fraser finally shook himself out of his dazed state. "No Ray, that's okay. I can look for it on my own. Thank you kindly for your concern." Fraser stood up and began straightening his uniform and meandering around the apartment to look for his jacket and tie. 

"Are you sure, I mean four eyes are better than two? It will also keep my detective skills up since I'm not allowed to return to work until Monday." Ray bent down and picked up Madeline's diaper bag. 

"I'm sure Ray. Like you said, it's bound to turn up." Fraser didn't believe that philosophy but he also couldn't let Ray help him look for his ring. If Ray saw the inscription . . . Dear God, he had to find it. 

* * *

"What do you have in these boxes, rocks?" Ray struggled with his third trip down to the Vecchio basement. Francesca simply ignored her brother as she headed back up to her room to hang her new wardrobe in the now spacious closet. "Why do I put up with this?" 

Once downstairs, Ray put the box with the rest of her out dated clothing to be stored until they were back in fashion. Whether it be a year form now or a decade, she refused to part with them. 

Ray turned to head back up the stairs and stopped when a box under the stairs caught his eye. If he didn't know any better, he would've thought someone was trying to hide the box. Clearly written on the box, in permanent marker was the name 'Benton' 

Ray knew they had stored things of Fraser's in the basement but he was under the assumption everything was moved out when Fraser returned. Ray walked around to crawl under the stair and pulled the box out. He was amazed at just how much stuff they ended up storing for Fraser. The last he remembered was him living in yet another spartan apartment, giving the impression he was ready to bolt anytime. 

This time, well, now he had a fully furnished apartment, in a good neighborhood and he even had a good set of dishes. What more could there be? Ray pulled open the box and was surprised to see what it contained, journals. For as long as he'd know the Mountie, he was renowned for quoting his father. Any situation they found themselves in, there was a Robert Fraser quote to go along with it. They never made sense, neither did the Inuit stories but they were comforting and if he wasn't quoting his father or the journals, he was reading them. That was why Ray was surprised to find the box full of journals. Surely Fraser wouldn't have left them behind. 

Ray placed the box on the washer and began riffling through its contents. The earliest journal was dated 1981, which was around the time Fraser entered the R.C.M.P. he guessed and the most recent was dated 1999. Once he saw that date, he knew then, these were not Robert Fraser's journals but Benton Fraser's and that revelation brought Ray to a decision that had to be made. Should he put the box back where he found it and ignore them or for curiosity sake, should he read the contents of the journals. Ray began talking to himself. "I couldn't read them . . . It would be disloyal to him . . . On the other hand, it may help me with my memory. Actually, he probably wouldn't mind if I read them. Heck, he'd probably encourage me to do so. Why do I feel so guilty about it? I haven't even opened one." Ray amended to put the box back where he found it, for now. 

* * *

It was that time of year, your typical early April day where one day it was like a cool spring day and the next like Arctic Canada. This day was the latter of the two. Ray opened the passenger door to the Riv and began feeling around under the seat for his ice scraper. "Damn, it's got gotta be here somewhere . . ." Ray stopped when he found a small metal object, "What the . . ." Ray pulled out from under his seat somehting he wasn't expecting. It was silver and shiny and very cold to the touch from sitting in the Riv for the last three days. "Oh my gosh." Fraser was going to be relieved. Ray slipped the ring on his own finger for safe-keeping, well actually it was his thumb, the only digit the ring would fit on and even then it was loose. Ray reached back under the seat and found his scraper. Once he stood back up, he put his gloves back on and began scraping the thin layer of frost off his precious car. 

The morning was a busy one but not busier than normal. By the time Ray picked Fraser, Madeline and Dief up, dropped Madeline off back at home, dropped Fraser and Dief at the Consulate and got himself to work, he was only ten minutes late. Ray had totally forgot about the ring he found. Until he was seated at his desk and it fell off when he reached for a file. 

Ray couldn't believe the differences between his and Fraser's hands. When he picked the ring up off his desk, he noticed there was an inscription. Bringing the ring up almost to the end of his nose, Ray squinted as he read quietly to himself 'For Eternity, Ray' and he nearly dropped the ring all over again. 

* * *

"Thanks for meeting me on such short notice. You do not realize how grateful I am," Ray said as he slip into the booth occupied by a beautiful, dark complected uniformed officer. 

"Is Fraser with you?" She asked, turning her head to scan around the diner for the red cloaked Mountie. 

Ray rolled his eyes. "No Elaine, it's me . . . only me. Is that a problem?" 

She shook her head. "No, I'm glad to see you . . . it's been what, four months at least. As long as you're paying, I don't care who you are." Elaine gave Ray a smile that confirmed she was joking. 

"Thanks Elaine, you really know how to pump a guy's ego." Ray motioned for the waitress. 

"Seriously, it is really good to see you." Elaine reached over and placed a hand on his arm that was resting on the table. Ray smiled at her in a thank you kindly way. 

Their waitress came and took their order, coffee all around and a Danish for the lady. Ray, even though he was a big pastry man - jelly donut preferred - he really wasn't in an eating mood and he was fairly certain the coffee was going to sit well anyway. 

"So Ray, why did you want to see me?" Elaine asked before taking a sip of her coffee. 

"To see your smiling face, why else?" Ray gave her a sarcastic smile then continued. "I needed some questions answered and you're the only person who can help me at this point." 

"What is it Ray?" 

"Truth?" 

"Please." 

"Okay . . . but you have to promise me you will answer any and all questions asked here." 

"Ray?" 

"Promise . . . if you don't, we won't continue," and Ray was serious. He had questions that needed answered now. Not a week, month or year from now like his doctors keep advising but now. 

"I promise Ray. What's wrong?" Elaine asked. Ray peaked her curiosity. 

"You know I'm experiencing a slight memory lapse right?" Elaine nodded her head. "Okay, I've remembered everything up to the Victoria/Carver incident and I'm at a stand still and today . . ." Ray trailed off not even knowing himself how to approach the topic or what questions to ask. 

"Today what Ray?" Elaine asked as she picked at her pastry. 

"Today I found this." Ray dug into his pocket, pulled out the Claddagh ring he found in the Riv and handed it to Elaine. 

"This is really beautiful," Elaine said. 

"It's Fraser's," Ray commented, then took a sip of his coffee. 

"Really, he didn't seem like the jewelry type. A wedding ring maybe but a . . ." Ealine was cut off. 

"Read the inscription." Ray laid his head on the table, trying to avoid the look that was inevitable. The disgusted 'OH MY GOD' look. Elaine did as she was instructed and it was beautiful. Ray ventured on, "Ya know, I love him." 

Elaine gently placed the ring on the table in front of him so it was in his view. "Yeah Ray, I know." 

Ray's head shot up and he looked startled. "You knew?" 

Elaine nodded her head. "Francesca pretty much made that known to every one at the 27th Precinct and once something like that gets out . . . it tends to get around." Ray had and even more startled look on his face now with slight confusion. "But Ray, I pretty much knew before that." 

"Francesca told people . . . my co-workers . . . that I was in love with Fraser?" Ray couldn't believe it. "Why?" 

"Jealousy maybe . . . I don't condone what she did but can you blame her?" Elaine asked as she handed the passing waitress her plate and held up her coffee cup for a refill. 

"Jealousy . . . what was there for her to be . . ." Ray stopped in mid sentence. 

"Ray, you don't honestly think you're the only one in love do you? He's been wearing a ring, obviously given by you. You don't remember that do you?" 

"I don't know what to think anymore." Ray ran his finger tips over his brows. 

"Ray, I hope you figure this out soon because you too need each other. You belong together. You complete each other." 

"Alone we're incomplete but together we are better than we are separately." Ray mumbled to himself and at that point he knew what he had to do. "Thanks Elaine." Ray exited the booth and leaned over to kiss her cheek. "You don't know how much you've helped." He grabbed his coat, the ring and their check and headed for the register. 

* * *

Luckily for Ray, when he returned home, the house was empty. Francesca was out with one of her girlfriends, Mrs. Vecchio was at a neighbor's playing bridge and Maria and Tony took the kids out for McDonalds. The first thing he did was head for the basement to retrieve the box of journals to take them to his bedroom. The last time he snuck around his own home was when he was thirteen years old. Everyone had been out of the house as they were today and he thought it was a good opportunity for him to hide his father's liquor supply. It was a good idea at the time but what ever made him think his father wouldn't figure it out he hadn't a clue. He got the living snot beat out of him that night. Ray shuttered at the memory as he closed his bedroom door and locked it. No one was going to catch him this time. 

May 14, 1997 

Our trip back was a safe and uneventful one. Dief and I took the train, it was a much more relaxing way to travel. You would think after the Bolt brothers, I wouldn't step foot on another train again but I can't let fear run my life. 

The only thing that bothered me the whole way back was Ray's phone call. It was great hearing from him but I couldn't understand why he was calling. Yes, he's called me before when he's been out of town, just to check up on me, to make sure I'm all right. It's nice having someone worrying about me . . . it's been almost thirty years since I've had that . . . since my mother died . . . 

I also couldn't shake the undeniable feeling that there was something wrong. The conversation Ray and I had made no sense. I understand now but at the time, he was making as much sense as my father, which was very little. 

Ray's gone - an undercover assignment. That is what he was trying to tell me and I couldn't even figure it out. Just like the last phone conversation I had with Dad. I didn't even get a chance to prepare for the change in my life. One minute I'm walking home from the train station to find my apartment building burned to the ground and the next, some impostor was impersonating my partner, my best friend. 

Funny thing, I thought I was losing it, literally. I mean, I knew he wasn't Ray, there was no way on earth he could have been Ray but everyone was calling him Ray and referring to him as Detective Raymond Vecchio, even Francesca referred to him as her brother. So what do I do, of course, try to prove everyone wrong. That sounds crazy in it self. Everyone is wrong and I'm the only one who is right. 

Needless to say, I was right and so were they. I think Lt. Welsh was a little annoyed at my persistence but I had to make sure I wasn't off my rocker. I also think the Lieutenant felt a little guilty for not telling me sooner. Whether it was sooner or later, it still hurt just the same. 

Maybe it's for the best, give my emotions a little break from the constant temptations. I never thought I would feel this way towards anyone, especially not my best friend and especially not after what I went through with Victoria but here I am again and the object of my affection is intangible. 

So I hope Ray, even though you're not nor probably ever going to read this, I hope you're safe and taking extra special care of yourself. I miss you very much already and am dreading the future months and by the way, your Riv is at the bottom of the Lake they call Michigan . . . sorry. 

* * *

July 14, 1997 

I was offered a transfer a few days ago. The second one since I've been in Chicago but I couldn't take it. Oh, I thought about it but deep down I always knew I wouldn't leave. Ray . . . or should I say Stan, was pushing me to it but I think it was more to reassure himself that he was making the right decision. He was also offered a transfer. I thought we had reached an understanding when he came to me for help after waking up next to a dead Volpe. I tried to explain to him he was my friend but I don't think he believed it or understood what I was saying. 

He's very jealous of Ray and I don't think he trusts many people. Maybe it has to do with the situation he's found himself in. Maybe it has to do with his divorce or possibly his own family life, which I know very little about. I wish he would trust me enough to confide in me these details from his past. Stan has become a good friend to me in the short time we've been partners. Although it wasn't a choice, partnership of this kind never is but we've seemed to make it work, even when he punched me over a ridiculous argument. I'm certain I don't think I'm always right? I don't correct everything he says. Do I? Well, maybe I do . . . I just can't help it. I seem to be powerless in irritating him. Just as I was powerless in irritating Ray. 

In the end, we both came to a mutual decision that you can't always go with the logical solution nor can you always go on instinct. What either had to do with me correcting him all the time I don't know. I never told Stan I wasn't going to take the transfer to begin with; it was the only logical thing to do. 

* * *

October 30, 1997 

Tonight, I can't believe what I did. I actually told someone about my feelings towards Ray. It was a stupid move, for admitting them to another person makes them all that more real and harder to deny. Not that I want to deny my feelings, I just have to. I have to be prepared for when Ray does return because, I know he will and I know he will not want to hear of my desires for him. I am beginning to sound like a lovesick fool. 

I don't know why I told Stan that I love Ray; it just seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Stan asked me if I had ever been in love and I had to answer him honestly. With honesty comes truth and with truth comes pain for I had to tell him about Victoria before I told him about Ray. No matter how many times I tell the story or how much time has passed, it doesn't get any easier or less painful. This time though, this time I knew I didn't love her and the reason it hurt so much in telling the story was because I let Ray down. I hurt him and he never asked to be made part of that kind of hell, he just simply became part of it and there was no turning back. 

Love is never easy, I have learned that the hard way. First to lose the love of my mother, then to fall in love with a criminal (or at least think it's love) and my own father's death. Now I am in love with a person I know will never return such affection but I will love Ray for eternity and beyond. I know that now. 

* * *

December 25, 1997 

It's Christmas and Ray has made sure that I would not be alone this night. He asked his mother to invite me over and there is no saying no to Mrs. Vecchio... and to Ray. She would have invited me anyway, even if Ray hadn't asked. I adore Ray's family very much. They fill a void left by my own parents. Even the members I've never met before were very kind to me and treated me like one of the family. Ray would have been happy to know of the generosity shown by the entire Vecchio clan. 

Christmas just isn't the same without him. I know I'm just being silly, it's just . . . well I miss him very much. It's hard to explain or maybe it's just hard for me to admit how much I need him. It's not normal for me to depend upon someone so much. Those first couple of days, aftter I found out he was gone were terrible. Oh I never, or at least tried not to let it show but I felt like I was drowning and there was no way to stay afloat. 

Although time has healed my wounds, the scars are still there and I still miss Ray. He even had a gift for me tonight . . . if he only knew that just thinking about my well being was a gift enough. I am grateful for my friend, my best friend and am content in the fact that this is all there will be. 

* * *

April 1, 1998 

It started out like any other case we had previously worked on. No different than Stan punching a Russian spy accidentally killing him. No different than Stan punching a hole in the interrogation room wall, exposing a dead body. No different than Stan punching me causing us to be down on the docks that night when, as Stan would say, the pirate landed on the hood of his car and died. No different except that it didn't involve Stan punching anyone this time. 

It began with me ice fishing in the city's reservoir. Now, I didn't know then that it was a reservoir but when Stan found me and informed me of said fact, well, I did feel a little silly. I was feeling a little home sick that day, more so than normal. There was something in the air, I couldn't then nor now describe it but I knew something was about to happen. 

How was I to know what was about to happen would tear my life apart. With this one case, I found out my dad lied to me all these years, my mother was murdered and my best friend returned. God it was good to see him again. I thought I would never get the chance but things weren't the same. Sadly, time and whatever Ray went through in Las Vegas changed him . . . and me. That is why I am where I am today. 

The Northwest Territory, my home but is it really my home? When I was in Chicago, I was feeling homesick and when a person is homesick, that usually means they are missing their home, as that is what the mean of the word "homesick" is. I thought I was yearning to return to my homeland but I believe now my feeling of being homesick wasn't from me missing the Territories but more me missing Ray. 

It's probably best that I have chosen to stay in Canada with Stan to go on the adventure he was determined to go on if he survived the Muldoon case. From what I've heard, Ray has taken a liking to Stan's ex-wife Stella, something Stan is a little hurt by . . . and so am I but life goes on and an adventure we shall have, to find the hand of Franklin reaching for the Beaufort Sea. 

* * *

May 5, 1999 

Why did she have to come back? I knew I would see her again, that night on the train platform was not the end but merely a continuation. I don't care so much about what she did to me, my life is pretty much expendable at this point but Ray . . . I will never be able to forgive her for what she's done . . . 

I never forgave her before. People may not see it that way but it's true. It's not because she lied to me or betrayed me or manipulated my life but the fact she threatened Ray's life, that he could've lost everything because of me . . . That is why I never forgave her. 

This time though, it wasn't the emotional life she was trying to take from Ray but his physical life. As they say, once a killer, always a killer. When the gun went off that first time, my heart froze, I thought I might die as well. I existed, lived my life because of him and without Ray . . . I have not reason to go on. I know I'm sounding morbid but that was how I felt at that moment and with each shot made after that. 

Thank God she has been captured finally and will be serving her time for the crimes she has committed. Thank God Ray escaped unharmed. Thank God we survived yet another encounter with Victoria. 

* * *

Ray placed the journal he was reading down when he heard a knock on his bedroom door. He had been locked up in his bedroom for four hours straight, skimming and reading through Fraser's journals. He skimmed the pages that mainly involved case information; he could read those later if he got the chance. He read any pages that mentioned his name and Ray was thanking the Lord Fraser referred to Stan as Stan or else it would have been way too confusing for his own good. "Yeah?" Ray called out. 

"Caro . . . are you okay in there? Why do you have your door locked?" Mrs. Vecchio asked as she tried to twist the knob to no avail. She knew her son was up to something but what, was the question. 

Ray got up off the bed and walked to the door. When he opened it, he could see the concern on her face. "I'm fine Ma, there is nothing wrong. I'm just doing a little reading and I didn't want to be disturbed." Ray wouldn't let her in the room. 

Mrs. Vecchio looked closely at her son and confirmed he was up to something but trusted he wouldn't do anything wrong or harmful to himself. "Are you hungry? It's at least another two hours until dinner. I could make you a snack if you'd like." 

Ray smiled and gave a little chuckle before kissing his mother's forehead. "No, Ma, I'm fine. You just worry about getting dinner ready okay?" She smiled back at her son, patting his cheek and left. When he closed the door, she heard the lock click. 

* * *

It took Ray the rest of the afternoon to read through the remaining journals and when he was through, he sobbed for not only was he able to see into the man he loved more than life itself, he now knew that that man loved him. Even though the journals only went up through the previous year's start, he remembered what happened now: his sister driving Fraser away, him being shot on Thanksgiving, Fraser's returning, his sister turning on them and their Christmas in Canada which ended all too soon and too cruelly. 

Even though it was dinner time, Ray was far too wound up to consider eating so when he finally unlocked his door, he left the house without saying a word, climbed into the Riv and drove away from the house to think. 

* * *

"Thank you Father for meeting with me about this matter," Fraser said as he was being escorted up the stairs to the main part of the parish. Madeline was dozing in his arms, head resting on his shoulder as he carried her. 

"It was my pleasure son," Frather Behan said as he held the door open, "I think it's wonderful that you want to raise your niece in the Catholic faith." 

"It is what Ray would want." Fraser couldn't believe himself that he was thinking this way. Never in a million years had he seen himself raising a child, let alone raising her Catholic but it seemed the right thing to do. He wasn't a very religious man himself seeing he was raised with more spiritual beliefs but he respected the religion that made the man he loved and any religion that could produce such a kind, caring, wonderful person couldn't be bad. 

"How is Ray anyway? I heard what happened, mighty shame. How are you holding up?" Father Behan was talking but Fraser wasn't paying attention because when they began their walk through the back of the church, Fraser spotted Ray, in a front pew, kneeling. 

"I'm sorry Father, what did you say?" Fraser never made eye contact with Father Behan but just kept staring in Ray's direction. 

"Ah, never mind son. You go to your friend, make sure he's all right." And Father Behan was gone before Fraser could articulate a single response. 

* * *

"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee . . ." Clutched in Ray's hands was a Rosary, given to him on the day he was confirmed into the church. It had been . . . years since he last used them yet he remembered everything as if it were yesterday. " . . . Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners . . ." 

Fraser quietly approached Ray's pew but decided to sit in the one behind him, as to not disturb his prayers. Fraser didn't know how long Ray was going to be but he would wait. He would wait forever. 

After Ray made his final sign of the cross, he got up from his kneeling position and sat in the pew. His shoulders were slumped over as if he had a trying day and his head was down. Fraser wasn't sure if he should say something for fear of startling him but Madeline made the decision for him. When she began waking up, she made a small whimpering noise that was eventuated by the silence in the church. 

Ray wasn't even startled by his presence nor did he even turn to see who was sitting behind him. "Hi Benny." 

"Hello Ray," Fraser said as he got up and maneuvered himself and Madeline to the pew Ray was sitting in. "What are you doing here?" "Ah, just thinking . . . I would've went to the precinct . . . ya know, the closet but I didn't want to freak everyone out again. I'm fine really, just thinking." Ray had yet to even look at Fraser, just stared ahead at the ornately decorated sanctuary. When he did turn his head to look at Fraser, there was a question on his lips. "What are you doin' here Benny?" 

Fraser, trying to adjust to a conscience Madeline, moved her to the side Ray was on as she reached for his rosary. Ray gladly relinquished it as she ogled the beads but when she tried to put them into her mouth, both Ray and Fraser reached for them at the same time. When their fingertips touched, they both froze. Fraser released his hold so Ray could take his rosary back. Madeline was not happy but Fraser averted her attention with a set of plastic keys he produced from his pocket. 

Ray smiled, "Have to be prepared huh?" Ray reached for Madeline and moved her to his lap. "So Benny, are you gonna answer my question or what?" 

Fraser sat next to Ray, watching Madeline. She was very content in Ray's presence and she was also content with her keys. Those she was allowed to stick in her mouth, which she did and that got a smile from Ray and Fraser. "I came to talk with Father Behan." 

Ray looked intently at him and asked, "You're okay, aren't ya? There's nothing wrong?" 

Fraser smiled. "Yes Ray, I am fine. We're both fine and there is nothing to worry about. I just needed to discuss a decision I've made with Father Behan." 

"What decision?" 

"Well, when I was growing up, I was raised to believe in the spiritual elements of life and I had good teacher and guides . . . elders, who knew and know them better than I ever will. Since I'm living here in Chicago . . . well, there are no such elders to teach Madeline of the beliefs I was raised on." 

"Benny, wouldn't you be an elder?" 

"Oh no Ray, although I was raised on the teachings and I learned a lot from the Elders, I am no where near capable of teaching Madeline their beliefs." 

Ray looked confused. "What does Father Behan have to do with all this?" 

"Well Ray, just because I was raised on one set of beliefs doesn't mean they are the only right ones . . . what I'm trying to say is I plan on raising Madeline in the Catholic faith . . . if that's all right with you. . ." 

Ray sat there for the longest time taking in the words Fraser was saying. First he couldn't believe Fraser had come to such a decision, sounding so sure of himself and seondly, he couldn't believe Fraser was asking him if it was okay to do so, as if Ray had a say. "Okay? Of course it's okay. Ya know Ma will be ecstatic. I think she gets Brownie points for getting new converts into the church but why does it matter if I think it's okay?" Ray was pushing Fraser, to see if he would let anything slip. 

"It just does Ray. I respect your opinion very much and if you had something against my decision, I would seriously reconsider." 

"You can rest easy Benny, I think you've made a wise choice and I will help out in any way I can." Ray handed Madeline back to Fraser. 

"Thank you kindly Ray. I was hoping you would say that." 

* * *

"So Ray, to what do I owe the honor of that smile?" Dr. Johnson asked as she took her normal seat next to the couch. 

"Am I smiling?" Ray's grin got even bigger. 

"Ray, there's no reason to be facetious." 

"I know . . . it's just fun," Ray gave a chuckle, "but seriously, the reason for my slightly uplifted behavior is that I remembered." 

There's nothing like being slightly vague, Dr. Johnson thought. "What exactly is it you remembered?" 

Ray got up from the couch and started pacing excitedly. "Everything . . . Frannie getting married, Benny trying to leave, us admitting our love, our anniversary . . . I could go on. What more do you want to hear?" 

"Whatever you want to talk about Ray." 

Ray moved back to the couch and sat down. "Ya know how I told you about my cars?" Dr. Johnson nodded her head. "Well, Benny is the one who gave me the fourth Riv." 

"He just gave it to you?" 

"No, it was an anniversary gift . . . I had been looking for one for a while, since Benny and Stan deposited the last one at the bottom of Lake Michigan but I never really found the right one . . . right year, right color . . . I never even told Benny I was lookin' for one. I thought he might think I was crazy but he was too observant. He always knows what I want." 

"He sound like a very generous man." 

"In more ways than one." 

"What do you mean?" 

"He left me for my own personal happiness . . . it sounds strange but it's true. I was miserable after Francesca found out about us . . . not at first, at first I was angry but she was my sister . . . I started missing her." 

Dr. Johnson remembered this from her discussion with Fraser but he seemed very reluctant to speak on the subject. "Then what happened?" She was pretty sure she could get more information out of Ray since they had been meeting for the last couple months. 

"He went to see her, to reason with her but that was a mistake. She used his words, his feelings for me against him, manipulated him and convinced him it would be best if he left me. Then and only then would she consider patching up our relationship." 

"Your sister did that?" Ray simply nodded his head. "What happened then?" 

"As you know, he left me . . . it was the noble thing to do and he believed he was doing the right thing. I was devastated, moved back home but I never gave up our apartment, I couldn't. 

"He was gone for six months, maybe a year . . . I can't remember. We've been separated so many times, it's hard to determine which time was when. Heck, being away from him for a week is too long." 

Dr. Johnson smiled. "How did you get back together?" 

"That was the easy part, I got shot." Ray was grinning wickedly. 

"That was easy?" 

"Well, yeah . . . all I had to do was stand there ya know. I didn't say it wasn't dangerous or life threatening, just easy." 

"Ray?" Dr. Johnson was getting impatient, "Would you please continue." 

"Sure," Ray said as he leaned back in the couch. "When he heard about the shooting, Benny took the first flight out from the Territories." 

"To make sure you were okay?" 

"Yeah . . .I think Inspector Thatcher exaggerated my predicament and scared him into it. He came back because he thought I might die," Ray sighed deeply. "Strange thing is he was closer to death than I was." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Ya see, when he left Chicago . . . me . . . he left all he loved and to go back to where he had traveled so far from, not only the distance but the emotional plane . . ." Ray paused to think how better to explain what he was trying to say. "Okay, first let me say the way I got my memory back was because I read Fraser's journals. I will explain later how that came about but as to why Fraser was closer to death at that time than I..." Ray pulled a journal he had brought with him out from his coat pocket, which was on the couch next to him. "There's an entry in here that will explain it." 

"Ray, are you sure you should be reading that . . . and to me?" 

"It'll be okay . . . Benny won't mind. Anyway, you're not gonna tell him are you? I didn't think so." Ray began flipping through the journal, looking for what he wanted to read to her. "Ah, here it is . . . 'When we're together, there is no ending or beginning - we are one. He completes my soul and my soul completes his. If we should ever be separated, I know I would surely die. I have been touched by a love more powerful than I ever imagined. Knowing what I have now, I could never return to the desolate life I lead before coming to Chicago' . . . pretty powerful words huh? This was written about a month after we became lovers." The doctor just nodded her head in awe of the way Fraser had expressed himself. Much different than the man she met in her office a couple weeks ago. "That's my Benny, always good with words. Me though, I'm more of an action kind of guy." 

"So, what put him close to death? What happened when he left?" 

"Isolation, loneliness, heartbreak . . . When he returned to the Territories, he gave up on living. You should have seen him when he returned . . . he's usually a solid guy built, strong, you now, you saw him. Anyway, he was so thin and tired looking. If he were left to continue on the path he was walking, he wouldn't have lasted much longer. 

"I guess, in a sense, me getting shot was a blessing. It saved his life. When I was released from the hospital, that was when I found out about what Francesca was up to. I could've killed her on the spot and had she been in my presence when I found out, I might have." 

"Let's get back to these journals, how did you gain access to them?" 

"I think we should start where it began," Ray suggested. 

"Which is?" 

Ray returned the journal to his coat pocket then relaxed back into the couch. "It all began with this ring." 

"A ring?" 

"Yeah," Ray sat up straight, pulling the chain Dr. Johnson had noticed he never was without, "this." Ray held the charms on the end of the chain to show the doctor. She recognized the gold one as a crucifix and the silver one, yes, she could see was definitely a ring. 

"It's very beautiful," Dr. Johnson commented. 

"Yeah . . . it is." Ray smiled as he made a thorough examination of the ring he already knew like the back of his hand. 

"Ray, what does this ring have to do with you reading Fraser's journals?" Dr. Johnson asked. 

"Everything . . . ya see, the night following my 'closet' incident at the precinct, I noticed Benny wearing it. I had never seen the ring before and it struck me kinda odd, him wearing a ring or any jewlery for that matter. The closest thing he got to wearing jewelry before was his father's R.C.M.P. watch. 

"When I confronted him about it, he was extremely evasive. All he would say was 'This person is very important to me.' I didn't even get it then. I wasn't thinking." 

"Didn't get what Ray?" 

"Ah," Ray got up from the couch and began pacing. "I didn't realize I knew who he was talking about, that I knew who gave him the ring. That I knew who he loved." Ray stood at the window in the doctor's office, staring out at the city he called home, running his hands over the top of his head and down his neck. "A few days later, I showed up at his apartment and it was a disaster. It was obvious he was looking for something and he was reluctant to tell me but I noticed the ring missing from his finger." 

"So you found it but he doesn't know it yet does he?" 

"No, he doesn't. I found it in my car . . . go figure. I wasn't even looking for it. I was looking for my ice scraper and happened upon it. I took it to work with me before I even looked at it and when I did . . ." Ray turned to look at Dr. Johnson. "I asked to meet with a friend of ours, her name's Elaine. I know I probably shouldn't have done it this way but it was the only way I knew how." 

"Ray, it's okay, please continue." 

"After our conversation, which I pretty much demanded she answer all my questions... she's the only person I could trust and the only one who hadn't been told not to tell me things . . . ya know?" Dr. Johnson nodded her head, surprised he hadn't tried this earlier. 

"After talking with Elaine, there was only one thing I knew to do and that was to read the journals. I had found them in our basement one day previously and knew they were his but when I had found them, I refused to read them right away. I don't know why I didn't or why I felt it was okay now but I had to find out what I was missing." 

"So you read them . . . now do you remember just because you read the journals or are these definite memories?" Dr. Johnson had to be sure before they continued. 

"Oh, they're definite memories. I even remember things that are not in them. Things I shouldn't repeat." Dr. Johnson noticed a slight blush rise on her patient's cheeks and was shocked at the innocence of the act. 

"So you love him and he loves you yet you haven't told him of this revelation, you getting your memory back that is. Why?" 

Ray shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know . . . scared maybe?" Ray walked back over to the couch and collapsed. "Nervous maybe?" 

"Nervous? Why should you be nervous Ray? Nothing has changed, has it?" You still love him as you always have, yes?" 

"Maybe more," Ray added. 

"Then what? Why are you stalling?" 

"It's not just him anymore. He has Madeline . . . what if things have changed for him? What if the life we were leading isn't what he wants now that Madeline is in the picture?" Ray looked beaten, mentally. 

"Ray, if you lived your life in fear of the 'what ifs' you wouldn't be living a life at all. Do you want my opinion?" 

"Yeah." 

"As the old saying goes, go get your man." Dr. Johnson smiled at Ray and he smiled back. 

"Thanks Doc." 

* * *

"Const . . .Sergeant Fraser speaking, how can I help you?" 

"Hey Benny . . . can't even remember your own promotion huh?" 

A smile cracked on Fraser's face. "Hello Ray, is there something wrong? Is everyone okay?" 

"Benny, everything is fine. Can't a friend call another friend for no apparent reason?" 

"Ray, you usually have a reason." 

"Okay, okay, so I do." Ray deliberately didn't elaborate. 

"And that would be?" 

"Well, I was just calling to say I will meet you at the apartment after work if that's okay with you. I had an appointment with Dr. Johnson this afternoon and since I wasn't going back to work, I thought I could swing home, pick Maddie up and make us some dinner at your place." 

"That sounds nice Ray but you really don't have to go through all that trouble." 

"Trouble, it's no trouble Benny. I just thought we could use a nice quiet evening, ya know? No family to bother us . . . well, except Maddie and Dief but their no bother really." 

"All right Ray, I will see you after work." 

"Great, bye Benny." 

"Goodbye Ray." 

* * *

Ever since the phone call from Ray that afternoon, time seemed to grind to a screeching halt. No matter what he did or how busy he was, minutes passed like hours and hours like days. It was a relief when five o'clock came around and Fraser bolted from the Consulate at the chiming of the church bells from across the street. 

The walk to his apartment was calming and went much faster than most of the day. Fraser couldn't help but be a bit suspicious about Ray's ulterior motives but he pushed that thought to the back of his head. It had been far too long for them in spending quality time together and anyway, they were just two friends enjoying each other's company, nothing more and nothing less. If only he could convince himself of that fact. 

When he turned the corner of his block, at the sight of the Riv, parked where it should always be parked when he made this journey to his home . . . their home, he smiled and picked up his pace. It had only been since this morning when he last saw Ray but their time spent apart now seemed like centuries. Any time he spent with Ray now was cherished and treasured. Upon approaching his building, Fraser entered. 

* * *

"Ya know Maddie, I think I should have worn the bib rather than you," Ray said as he came out of Fraser's bedroom, buttoning up a denim shirt he borrowed from Fraser's closet. "I think you've inherited your uncle's habit of ruining my clothing." Madeline just looked up from her place on the floor and giggled. "Yeah, I bet you liked that." 

As Ray approached where Maddeline sat, she lifted her arms in the air and gave him a pleading look. "Ya know, I think your uncle is teaching you my weak spots." Ray picked Madeline up off the floor after viewing what he could only describe as a baby big-eyed Mountie look. 

Ray carried Madeline over to the portable CD player he brought with him and pressed play. The music that filled the room caused Ray to slowly sway and dance with Madeline. After a few minutes of the slow rocking, Madeline yawned and rested her head on his shoulder. 

* * *

So many nights he made this same trip down the same hallway to the same door. The only difference tonight was he didn't have Madeline with him and Ray was waiting on the other side of the door. Fraser leaned against his door quietly, just thinking of how he wanted tonight to go but knew it wouldn't happen. Taking a deep breath, he slipped the key into the lock and opened his door. 

Once inside the apartment, the music emanating from the portable stereo invaded his brain, the words etching themselves into his thoughts. What were they again? 'Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you. I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do . . .' A shiver ran down his spine as he walked over to the portable and turned off the music that was hitting too close to home. 

"Ray?" Fraser called out as he removed his brown uniform jacket, heading for his bedroom. 

"I'm in . . ." Ray trailed off his reply when he heard Fraser enter the bedroom. "Hey Benny." 

"Hello Ray . . .what are you doing in here and why are you wearing my shirt?" Fraser asked as he turned to hang his jacket and belt up in the closet. 

"First off, I think Maddie has it out for me just as bad as you do," Ray said. 

"What do you mean Ray?" Fraser turned back around to look at Ray. 

"Well, I fed her dinner when we got here and let's just say she got more of it on me than on herself or in her mouth for that matter." 

"Ah," Fraser couldn't help but chuckle at the image of that. 

"It's not that funny . . . so now I'm stuck wearing this country boy denim shirt with my Armani pants. What kind of fashion statement is that?" Ray asked as he looked down at himself. 

"A very unique one at that." 

"Ha-ha," Ray brushed a piece of lint off himself. "Oh and I brought these over . . . thought you might want them." Ray gestured to the bookcase, which was previously empty but now shelved his own personal journals in date order. 

Ray had never seen Fraser's eyes so big. "Ah . . . thank you Ray . . . you really didn't have to go through all that trouble . . ." 

"Benny, it was no trouble. I just happened across the box one day in the basement when I was helping Frannie clean her closet out. You must've forgotten them during the move." 

"Yes," Fraser and Ray just stood there looking at each other, looking away and always turning back to look at each other again. "So Ray, what are we having for dinner?" 

Ray smacked his hands together and started heading towards the bedroom door. "What else . . . lasagna." 

* * *

The dinner was as good as it always was at the Vecchio home, seeing it had been a tray of lasagna that Mrs. Vecchio had supplied for them. The only difference, it was quiet and relaxing. Fraser enjoyed their talk which consisted of work, family, friends and they couldn't forget Diefenbaker in the mix. If only it could stay this way. If only he could stay. 

"Dinner was delicious Ray. Please thank your mother for me," Fraser said as he stood up to clear the table. 

Ray had stood up to assist Fraser. "How'd ya know it was Ma's?" 

"Ray . . ." Fraser turned to look at him, "I've been to your house for dinner thousands of times and I've had your lasagna before. I think I can tell the difference by now." 

"Really?" Ray raised his eyebrows in disbelief, "I didn't realize there was that much of a difference. I use her recipe ya know?" 

"I know Ray but it's different." Fraser placed the remaining dishes in the sink and reached to turn the water on. 

"Holt it," Ray placed his hand over Fraser's, "These can wait, can't they?" 

Fraser removed his hand from the faucet. "Of course Ray . . . I guess . . . Why?" 

Ray backed away and walked out of the kitchen and towards the living room. "I thought we could talk . . . I don't know." 

Fraser watched the retreating Ray as he walked from the kitchen to the living room window. Ray looked absolutely adorable in the far too big shirt he had borrowed. Yes, he normally wore his shirts a bit big but Fraser's shirt . . . he was swimming in. "Ray, we've been talking all night." 

Ray sighed, "I know but not about us . . . it's been my work, your work, our family . . . you know, not us." Ray turned around to lean against the window, arms crossed against his chest. 

Fraser walked into the living room keeping eye contact with Ray the whole time. "Well, what about us?" 

Ray shrugged as he pushed himself off the sill. "I don't know . . ." Ray walked over to the couch and motioned for Fraser to join him as he sat down. "We know each other pretty well, wouldn't you say?" 

Fraser nodded as he sat down next to Ray. "I would have to say yes Ray, why do you ask?" 

"You know me pretty well right?" Ray turned his head to look at his friend who was leaning forward, concentrating on his clasped hands. 

"Yes Ray, you're my best friend . . . I think I may know you as well as I know myself." Fraser smiled at the thought of actually knowing the man sitting next to him that well. The thought made him happy and yet it also scared him. 

"Then you won't be surprised or embarrassed to know that I read your journals." Ray left it at that, a simple admission. An admission he hoped would explain everything he feared saying. An admission he hoped wouldn't push Fraser farther away. An admission he prayed would bring them back together. When there wasn't even a flinch at what he had said, Ray started to worry. "Benny, I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help myself. You know how I can be . . ." 

"Yes Ray and it's okay . . . I shouldn't be surprised that you read them really. I'm more surprised you didn't find them earlier." Fraser still wouldn't look at Ray. 

"Benny . . . I didn't read them right away . . . when I found them I first thought they were your dad's but when I saw the dates . . . then I knew they were yours." 

"Why didn't you read them when you first found them?" Fraser finally turned his head to look at his friend, yet he tried to keep the thought of what Ray had read from his journals out of mind. Surely he couldn't have read everything. 

"It didn't feel right to invade your privacy like that . . . I mean I was sure you wouldn't mind me reading them but I think I was more afraid of what I might learn about myself... ya know?" Ray sighed and leaned back into the couch. 

"Did you learn anything Ray?" Fraser returned his attention to his hands and from what Ray could see and assume he was looking at the finger missing a certain silver band. 

"Mmm hmm." Now what? Ray didn't know what to say without chickening out but he was an action man right? That is what he told Dr. Johnson at least, yes, action. Ray pulled himself off the couch and moved to stand in front of Fraser. 

Ray's new position caused Fraser to sit up straight and look up. "Ray, what are you doing?" 

Ray smiled shyly, "You'll see." Ray then placed both hands on either of Fraser's shoulders, pushing him back against the couch. 

Before Fraser knew what was happening, there was a weight sitting, straddled his lap and green eyes were looking directly into his own blue ones. "Ray?" And before an answer could be given to that one word and one name question, there were lips pressed against his own and he was lost. 

The thing about the intimate act of kissing is it's just like riding a bicycle. No matter how long it's been since the last one, one never forgets how to do it and do it right. Ray's hands had moved from Fraser's shoulders, up into the silky brown hair he loved to touch. Fraser's hands sprang into action too, sliding up Ray's thighs, to his hips and then up along his back, exploring all the territory he knew so well yet had longed to touch these last few months. 

Fraser was the first to pull away. Time must have passed quicker then they realized because both were out of breath and had slight dazed looks on their faces. When Ray straightened up, he felt the hands on his back flatten and his body was pulled into an embrace with the head of his lover resting against his chest. Ray did the only natural thing he knew how to do and that was to wrap his own arms around Fraser. 

"Ray . . . this isn't a dream is it? You are real? This is real?" Fraser couldn't believe that the whole nightmare was possibly over. It was too easy. 

"If you're dreaming, please don't wake me because I'm enjoying this one too much," Ray chuckled. "You and I are very real Benny and we've got a lot of time to make up for, don't you agree?" Fraser simply nodded his head against Ray's chest. "I love you Benny." Ray kissed the top of Fraser's head. "I can't believe that I could ever forget that." 

Fraser's once idle hands were on the move again. When Ray felt the heat of Fraser's hands on the skin of his bare back, he sighed and wondered when it was that his T'shirt was untucked. Everything was happening so fast and the next thing that was registering in Ray's head was the shirt he was wearing being pulled up and over his head. Ray accommodated the movement and when he was free of the garment, hands where on his chest, over his T'shirt, exploring their way up to his neck. 

With a pressure against the nape of his neck, Ray was pulled forward and his mouth was thoroughly plundered by his lover's own tongue. When that mouth finally released his, trailing kisses down his neck, only then was Ray able to say something. "Ya know Benny . . . If you keep doin' what you're doin' . . . I can't be held responsible for what happens . . . Oh God . . ." Fraser had latched his mouth over the pulse point in Ray's neck, beginning to suck gently. Ray knew there would be a bruise left but he didn't care. If anything, he encouraged Fraser on more with a quiet moan and him running his hands through his lover's hair. 

Fraser finally pulled away for a comment, "I can't help it Ray . . . you seem to have this effect on me," and then his mouth was on the other side of his neck. 

"Ya know Benny . . . I like this effect." There was a slightly suppressed chuckle in Ray's voice and he could feel Fraser smile against his neck. "Benny!" 

* * *

"Hey Dief, wait up!" The blonde detective called after the deaf wolf as they exited the elevator. Diefenbaker bounded ahead excitedly. "I must be nuts, I'm calling after a deaf wolf." Stan shook his head in amusement as he followed after the wolf's trail. 

When he approached his friend's apartment door, he found the wolf patiently waiting to be let in. "Yer sure in a hurry to see Fraser boy," Stan said as he came to stand next to Diefenbaker. The wolf stood up as he approached and his tail began wagging. "Do you know something I don't?" Stan asked as he knocked on the door. 

The knock on the apartment door startled both men. "Just ignore it," Ray groaned as he laid, pressed under the weight of the Canadian's body, T'shirt pushed halfway up his chest with the Canadian's lips exploring each new inch of skin as it was exposed. 

"Ignore what Ray?" Fraser continued his exploration. 

"Oh . . . you're good," Ray groaned as he felt lips brush against a newly uncovered nipple. 

Stan knocked on the door again but a little harder. "Hey Fraser, I know yer in there. I've got yer wolf here." Diefenbaker gave a little bark in agreement. Stan looked down at the wolf and said, "He knew I was bringing you back Dief." Diefenbaker tilted his head as if to say, 'I understand.' 

Fraser raised his head and looked into Ray's eyes with a little remorse then rested his forehead on Ray's shoulder. "Ray, I should answer it." 

Ray's right hand was cupped around the back of Fraser's neck and his other hand was on his shoulder. "No you shouldn't." 

"Ray . . . I have to." 

"No you don't." Ray still wouldn't release the hold he had on his lover. 

"Ray . . . he knows I'm here." 

Ray sighed, "All right, all right . . . but don't be long." 

As Ray loosened his hold, Fraser propped himself up then gave Ray a quick kiss on his lips. "I love you Ray." 

"Yeah, yeah, now go before I change my mind." Ray leaned up and kissed Fraser's forehead before he got off the couch. As Fraser walked to the door, Ray sat up and pulled down his T'shirt, just in case. Watching Fraser, Ray chuckled at the sight of the state of his hair and became a little bit thankful at the short-cropped hairstyle he now sported. 

When he reached the door and Fraser felt he was presentable enough to greet guests, he opened the door. "Hello Ray . . . thanks for bringing Dief back. I trust you two had a good day today?" 

The sight of Fraser startled Stan. "Yeah, everything was fine . . . What's with the hair?" 

Fraser reached both hands up and ran them through the mess that was his hair, trying his best to tame the mop. It didn't work, his hair could be so unrully. "Nothing Ray, why do you ask?" 

"Well, if you do recall, yer the good lookin' freak and I'm the experimental hair guy. Ya can't be both ya know." 

"Understood Ray, I'm sorry." 

Stan stood in the hallway with his hands dug in his pocket, waiting. "Aren't ya gonna invite me in?" There was no response from Fraser. "Fraser . . . yer being rude now . . . is everything okay?" 

Fraser shook his head. "I'm sorry Ray, won't you come in." Fraser opened the door wider to allow Diefenbaker and Stan entrances. 

Diefenbaker bolted through the door without having to be asked a second time and promptly attacked the person he knew was in the apartment the minute they had exited the elevator. "Hey Dief . . . it's good to see you too but it hasn't been that long," Ray said as he was lavished with wolf kisses. "Yuk . . . I hate wolf slobber." But Fraser noticed the Ray didn't stop the wolf from his affection. 

"I'm sorry Fraser . . . I didn't realize you had company . . ." Stan said as he got but only one foot in the door and saw Ray sitting on the couch. Diefenbaker's head now rested on Ray's thigh and he was gently stroking behind the wolf's ear. 'Ya coulda warned me Dief,' Stan thought to himself. 

"You weren't interrupting anything," Ray said, giving Fraser a sly smile that caused the Mountie to blush, "we were just talking." 

'And talking involves you being without a shirt and Mr. Mountie here being disheveled . . . yeah right,' Stan thought. "Hey, I have to be goin' anyway . . . I have to meet Stella downtown." Stan turned to head out the door then stopped to say, "You guys won't forget about tomorrow will ya?" 

"Wild horses couldn't keep us from being there Ray," Fraser said as he placed a hand on Stan's shoulder. 

'Yeah, it's not the horses I'm worried about,' Stan thought but said out loud, "You guys be good." Stan winked at Fraser then made his exit, leaving the two men alone with their wolf. 

The room remained quiet for a few minutes. Fraser had his back to Ray, staring at the closed door, thoughts running rampant through his head. The day had started out with them being best friends and yes they still were best friends but now they were best friends who were and shall be lovers again. A tremor began its way through Fraser's body as his breathing became erratic. 

Diefenbaker's head popping up in alarm alerted Ray to his lover's state and both he and the wolf were at Fraser's side before the first tear streaked down his cheek. Ray wrapped his arms around the trembling body and gently kissed his quivering lips. "Benny, it's okay . . ." Ray whispered into his ear. "We're okay now. Everything is going to be all right . . . you'll see." 

Fraser wrapped his arms around Ray's waist to return the embrace. "I know Ray . . . it's just so overwhelming . . . I wasn't even thinking about it earlier . . . it was like being on automatic pilot." 

"That was autopilot?" 

"Ray, be serious here." 

Ray pulled away to look Fraser in the eyes. "I am serious Benny. Basically by you saying you were on autopilot, you're saying you were acting naturally, like what we were doin' was natural. No thought needed, no analyzing, it was just the right thing to do. That's how it's supposed to be. Do you understand what I'm trying to say?" 

Fraser nodded his head. "I think so . . . so this is what you want? What I mean to say is you remember this . . . us. You're not just doing this for my benefit . . . are you, from what you read in my journals?" 

"Hon, I've known I loved you for the second time in my life the day you returned to Chicago with Maddie. I just didn't remember the feeling was mutual. This is definitely what I want: you, me, the wolf, Maddie . . . everything." Ray's smile was beaming. 

"What about Francesca?" 

The smile that was previously donning Ray's face diminished. "I don't want to talk about her," Ray said curtly. 

"Ray, we have to . . ." 

Ray moved away from Fraser. "No we don't, not now, not tonight. Tonight it's just you and me okay. We can deal with her later." Ray had walked his way back to the couch but did not sit down. He just stood with his back to Fraser. 

"Ray, I'm sorry . . ." 

"No Benny, don't apologize. We do need to discuss the situation with Francesca, I know that but not yet." Ray turned to look at Fraser and he could see indecision on his face. "It's okay . . . come here." Ray held out his hand and waited for Fraser to join him. The stand off began. 

Ray was very patient, waiting for whatever was going through his lover's mind to release. In many ways, Fraser was like a wild horse. He could be tamed in a heartbeat but he could also be easily spooked. When Fraser made the first step, Ray smiled warmly at him and it eased the tension. As Fraser slipped his hand to Ray's, he got a gentle squeeze. "Hey Benny, I've got something for you." Fraser let himself be led to the couch. "Sit down," and he complied. 

Ray left the room and returned promptly carrying nothing more than his own body with him. Ray sat himself on the coffee table in front of Fraser and clasped his hands over his lover's. "It's something that I think you're gonna like," Ray said. 

"You didn't have to get me anything Ray. You have given me more than any man could possibly ask for. I have love, family, a place where I'm accepted . . . wanted . . . what more . . ." 

When Ray pulled the ring out of his pock and presented it to his lover. Fraser was rendered speachless. "I thought you would like it back." 

"Oh Ray . . ." Fraser took the ring from his lover, "Where did you find it?" 

"Probably the first place you should've looked for it, the Riv." Ray watched in wonderment as the twinkle returned to Fraser's eyes. "Read the inscription to me." 

"Ray, I think you already know what it says." 

"Yeah I do but do you?" And that was all it took to peak Fraser's curiosity. When Fraser read the inscription, he nearly dropped the ring. "Woah there, it's okay," Ray said as he took hold of Fraser's hands. Originally, the inscription had read 'For Eternity, Ray' but now it read 'You Have My Heart For Eternity, Ray.' "You know that it's true, don't you?" 

Fraser nodded his head as his eyes crinkled and it looked as if tears were going to start running any minute. "Oh Caro, no, don't cry . . ." Ray took the ring and slipped it on the finger where it belonged. Far be it from Fraser to listen to anything Ray told him and a tear splashed their joined hands. "Oh Benny..." 

* * *

It was the most peaceful sleep he'd had in a long time and he didn't want to wake up. It was a wonderful feeling, lying in his bed, with a comforting arm draped across his chest and the head of his lover resting against his shoulder. If he were fully awake, he would have sighed but he was stuck in-between his dream world and reality . . . he feared if he did wake up, this would all be gone and he would be left alone and incomplete. He was so caught up in his dream state, his lover waking next to him didn't even register. 

Ray rubbed his cheek against something solid that wasn't his pillow and when he was able to pry his eyes open, he smiled. He wasn't at home this morning. He wasn't alone this morning. He wasn't empty this morning. No, this morning he was in Fraser's bed, after a wonderful night of getting to know each other all over again. Ray kissed the shoulder his head had been resting on then looked up at clock on the dresser, nearly jumping out of bed. "Benny . . . Benny . . . Benny . . . wake up!" Ray said as he climbed out of bed and immediately began dressing. 

"Hmmm?" Fraser unwillingly turned his head slightly, eyes half open and looked at the blurry figure frantically moving around his room. 

"Benny, we're late, come on . . . they are gonna kill us if we don't make it." Ray was now crawling on the floor looking for something. "Do you remember where we left my belt?" 

"In the living room . . . what time is it?" Fraser asked as he sat up just in time to see Ray leave the bedroom shirtless, wearing only his trousers. When he came back in though, he was pulling his T'shirt on. "8:30," Ray replied as he began looping his belt through his trousers. 

"AM?" Fraser was astonished that he had slept so long. Usually he was up at the crack of dawn. 

"Yes, AM . . . We've got an hour and a half to meet them or we're dead," Ray said, reaching for the sweater he originally wore over the night before. 

"Ray, surely they will not cause any bodily harm to us if we're late." Fraser commented as he tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes. 

"Benny, trust me, if we don't get there on time, we will at least wish we were dead now let's get movin'," Ray tried to shoo Fraser out of bed. 

Finally, totally awake, Fraser looked at Ray putting on his soiled sweater. "Ray . . . you're not planning on wearing that . . . are you?" 

"No, of course not," Ray scoffed as he sat down on the bed to put on his socks and shoes. 

"Oh . . . then . . ." Fraser was cut off. 

"Here's the game plan: First I am leaving here to go home, take a shower and put on my good suit," Ray began as he got off the bed to look at his still lazy lover. 

"What suit would that be Ray?" 

"Listen, any suit that you haven't ruined in one way or another would be a good suit." 

"Do you even have one?" Fraser asked as he finally got out of bed, pulling on his boxer shorts. 

" . . . Did you just crack a joke on yourself?" Ray stared in disbelief. 

"I believe I did Ray," Fraser replied as he pulled on his own T'shirt. 

"That was very good." 

"Thank you Ray." 

"Okay, back to the game plan . . ." Ray continued, "while I'm gone, you are to shower, dress and get Maddie ready. Are we clear on the plan?" 

"Yes Ray." 

"Do you have any questions before said plan is placed into action?" 

"Yes Ray, I do have one question." 

"What?" Ray asked. He was standing by the bedroom door, hands on his hips, looking slightly stressed and agitated due to their tardiness. 

Fraser stood next to the bed with his hands clasped behind his back, silently staring down at his bare feet. Then he looked up, giving Ray the look that could melt an iceberg or maybe even the entire continent of Antarctica and asked, "Am I allowed a kiss before you go?" 

Ray's arms fell to his side as he closed the gap that separated them. "Allowed . . . are you allowed?" Both men wrapped their arms around each other. "Benny, you can have anything you want." 

"Anything?" Fraser asked as he nuzzled against Ray's ear. 

"Well . . . almost anything . . . remember our time schedule." 

Fraser pulled his head up to look at Ray. "Then I will have to settle for a kiss." 

"Good, cause anything more . . . we definitely wouldn't make it on time." 

* * *

Needless to say, the couple did make it on time due to the expert driving skills of a Chicago Cop and his Canadian lover didn't once have to voice an objection to any traffic laws broken on their flight downtown, for Ray was driving sensibly this day. His improved driving skills weren't because his lover was in the car or his lover's wolf but because his lover's niece was. "Ray, I am impressed," Fraser commented at the improvement in his lover's driving. 

"Impressed? Impressed about what?" Ray asked as the car was parked and he began opening his door. 

"Your driving Ray, it has improved remarkably." Fraser exited the vehicle as well, pulling his seat forward to retrieve his niece and then to let the wolf out. 

"Don't get use to it," Ray commented, "I only do it for Maddie's sake. When it's just you me and furface here, it's back to the old way." Ray walked around the car, waiting for Fraser to retrieve Madeline from her car seat. 

When Fraser emerged from the Riv holding Madeline and his wolf at his side, Ray shut the passenger door. "Ah," was the only comment Fraser could say. 

"Ah? Ah? What's that suppose to mean?" Ray asked defensively. 

"Nothing Ray, I should at least be grateful that you care about Madeline's safety, thank you." Fraser turned to walk towards the building that was the 27th Precinct. 

"No, your 'ah's' always mean something and what kind of comment is that?" Ray asked as he followed Fraser into the precinct. 

Fraser stopped and turned to regard his partner in the middle of the precinct's entrance hallway. "Ray, I'm only saying that if you hold Madeline's life at such high value that maybe . . ." 

"Listen Benny, you knew what you were getting into when we started this relationship. That means you knew I drove like a bat out of hell and I assumed you accepted that aspect of me just as I accept the fact that you stick the oddest things in your mouth and yet I still let you kiss me with it." The hallway that normally radiated with noise was quiet and when Ray turned, everyone there was staring at them. Ray smiled then said, "What, you never seen two people argue before?" Ray began gesturing with his hands. "Move on people." 

This was the first time since Fraser's return that he and Ray had been at the precinct together as a couple. Actually, it was the first time they had been at the precinct since Fraser's return as a family. When Ray turned to get Fraser's response to his tirade, the response he received wasn't one he was expecting. "I'm sorry Ray." 

"What, why are you sorry?" 

"You are right, I did know and accept that you drive . . ." 

"Like a maniac," Ray offered. 

"Well, erratically I think is the word I want. I think I am a little nervous about being here, that is all. Please forgive my behavior," Fraser said giving Ray the look he couldn't resist. 

Ray shyly ducked his head then looked directly into Fraser's eyes. "There's nothing to forgive Benny. I'm as nervous as you are. Come on, they are probably wondering where we are by now." Ray led his family down the corridor. 

* * *

The canteen at the precinct was decorated as no one had ever seen it before and as Lt. Welsh never wanted to see again. There were streamers hanging from wall to wall. Crepe paper bells hung in the center and the room was filled with only a few friend and acquaintances. The bride and groom looked as nervous as they had been the first time around but they were certain that this was the right thing to do, more than ever before. 

The bride and groom were holding hands as the reverend began the wedding vows. Fraser was Stan's Bestman and he was very happy for the couple. Stan deserved a little happiness finally and he was glad that he and Stella had gotten back together. Even though Fraser knew Stan had cared about his sister, Maggie, and in turn Maggie had cared about Stan, their union wasn't meant to be. Stan and Stella were meant to be together as their names only destined it to be. Fraser had to snicker to himself at the irony of their fate. 

Ray was, well, he wasn't Stella's Matron of Honor but maybe her Man of Honor. It would have to do. When Ray first met Stan, he was full of resentment. Resentment of the fact he had his life. Had his life and was enjoying it and didn't want to give it up. In a sense, he didn't give it up really, for Stan was the one who went off to Canada with Fraser after Ray's return and didn't return but that was in the past now. Now, Stan was a valued friend, along with Stella and Ray couldn't be happier for the couple. 

When the bride and groom kissed, the room erupted with cheers and applause. From across the room, Ray observed a happy Mountie. Fraser was holding Madeline and couldn't clap but his smile told of the pure joy he had for the happy couple. Madeline was imitating what she was seeing and began clapping which got both Ray and Fraser laughing. 

* * *

The Vecchio back yard was alive with music, people dancing, children running rampant and conversations of a happy day. There were all sorts of food imaginable for the pallet and the newly married couple was grateful towards their hostess. Stan and Stella didn't want a big fuss made over their second nuptuals but Mrs. Vecchio couldn't just let them go with just a simple ceremony. A proper marriage deserved a celebration and that was what they received, a small celebration from the Vecchios and Kowalskis. 

Mrs. Kowalski pulled her only son away from his bride for a dance. She adored her son more than anyone else and would do anything for him as any mother would. The time she and her husband spent in desert away from their only child was heartbreaking but now that they were back in Chicago, she was happier than the day he was born and his marriage to Stella had multiplied that happiness ten fold. "She is a good woman Stanley," Mrs. Kowalski said as they danced. "I'm glad you finally worked out your differences." 

"I know mom, me too." Stan leaned forward and kissed his mother's cheek. "I'm glad you and dad are here." 

"Where else would we be son? It's your wedding day. Even if we were halfway across the globe we would've been here." Mrs. Kowalski reached up, trying to straighten her son's unruly hair to no avail. 

Stella observed her husband and mother-in-law from across the lawn and smiled radiantly at the adoration for Stan's mother. She had always loved Stan's mother as much as her own. Even after their divorce Stella called Mrs. Kowalski regularly for she couldn't imagine a life without her. Stella felt a gentle tap on her shoulder. 

"Excuss me Mrs. Kowalski, may I have this dance?" Ray asked. 

Stella smiled at her best friend. "Yes, Ray, I thought you'd never ask." Ray led Stella out to the yard area cleared for dancing. 

"Stella, you look beautiful." Ray commented as he gently spun her around to the music. 

"Thank you Ray, you're not looking to bad yourself," Stella said noting the impressive Armani suit that was tailored to his body and a far cry from anything her husband even owned. "Maybe you could give Stan a few pointers in the finer art of suit buying," Stella joked. Ray maybe a better dresser but she wouldn't change her husband for the world. 

"Ah, I just don't think that's possible Stella. He would probably die in a suit like this." Ray smiled, showing he was joking. 

"Probably," Stella agreed. "Ray, you and Fraser . . . you're okay now, aren't you?" 

Ray turned his attention from Stella to look at his lover who was cornered by a throng of woman cooing over Madeline. Fraser looked miserable until Mrs. Vecchio came to his rescue, pulling her favorite adoptive Mountie over to a chair to sit and talk. Ray was thankful for his mother's intervention. 

"Ray?" Stella called for Ray's attention after she, herself saw that Fraser was safely seated next to Mrs. Vecchio. 

"What? Oh, yeah, Benny and I are just fine. We're more than fine now . . . we're a family." Ray finally looked at Stella and smiled at the thought of the word, family. "Ya know, never in a million years did I think we would be like this." 

"What do you mean, parents?" Stella asked. 

"Yeah, I like the sound of that." Ray turned his attention back to where Fraser and Mrs. Vecchio were sitting. "I never wanted anything to happen to Maggie. In the short two weeks of knowing her, I came to love her, as I love my own sisters. I still don't even know the whole of what happened that night but she didn't deserve that. No one does." Ray turned his attention back to Stella. "Hey, we shouldn't be talking about this now. This is a happy day. I am happy for you and Stan. You two have been the best friends a man could ask for and I thank you both for being there for me when I needed you." 

"That's what friends are for Ray and I'm glad you and Fraser are back together. You two deserve some happy times for a change, don't you agree?" Stella asked as the song ended. 

"Yeah, we've got the rest of your lives for that." Ray smiled at Stella and kissed her cheek. "Thanks." Ray took hold of Stella's arm and led her to her husband for the next dance. 

* * *

The Vecchio home was finally quiet. It was nearing the midnight hour and everyone else was either asleep or just getting to bed after a long, exciting and tiring day. Ray was taking a shower when Fraser went to the nursery to check on Madeline one last time before heading to Ray's bedroom. It would be the last night Ray stayed at the house. In the morning they were going to begin the process of moving him back to the apartment. 

During the entire day of the wedding and reception, not once did Fraser run into Francesca which he found quite odd since she lived at the house. When he exited the nursery though, she was standing in the hallway and it seemed she was waiting for him. "Hello Francesca," Fraser politely greeted. 

"Hello Fraser," Francesca returned the exchange. "It was a beautiful reception." 

Fraser was slightly puzzled by her comment. "I didn't see you there." 

"No, I was in my room most of the evening but I could see everything from my window." Fraser and Francesca stood in silence for a couple minutes before Francesca continued. "You and Ray . . . you're, ah, back together I take it?" 

"Yes." It was a simple, uncomplicated answer and the only one he could give without loosing his patience. 

"That's all you're gonna say is yes?" Francesca was a little hurt by his shortness. 

"What do you want me to say Francesca?" Fraser asked, slightly angered by her brashness. 

"I don't know . . . tell me you're happy. Tell me I was wrong to do what I did. Tell me you forgive me. Tell me I haven't totally ruined my relationship with my brother. Tell me I haven't lost you." Francesca's arms were flailing as each demand was thrown out but it had no effect on the Mountie. 

"I can only speak for myself but I am happy with your brother. He is the most important person in my life next to Madeline." Fraser stopped to ponder whether he should answer to all her demands. "You were wrong in what you did Francesca but you don't need me to tell you that. You already knew. As to your relationship with your brother, only Ray can answer for that." 

"What about you Fraser? Can you forgive me or have I completely lost you?" 

Fraser took a deep breath and sighed as he released it. "You haven't lost me Francesca but I can't forgive you . . . not yet. When I do, I want to be able to know in my heart that I have forgiven you and not just said it to make things easier between us. I will always care about you because you are Ray's sister and he cares about you. You effect him and what effects Ray, effects me. I won't say I'll never forgive you but I can't tell you I will either." Fraser hated not being able to give Francesca what she was asking for but he knew it was the right thing to do. "I hope you understand." 

Francesca nodded her head. "Yes, I understand." Francesca turned to head towards her bedroom. 

"Good night Francesca." Fraser called after her as he headed towards Ray's room. 

Francesca stopped and turned back to look at Fraser. "Good night." 

* * *

Ray walked through his bedroom door to find Fraser already in bed. He couldn't tell if he was sleeping yet but the sight of him took his breath away. It had been far to long since they shared this bed as lovers and it wasn't going to be the last either. Ray walked around to his side of the bed and crawled in under the covers. Once in the bed, strong arms pulled him into an embrace and Ray knew then that Fraser was awake. 

"Ray?" 

"Yeah Benny?" 

"We will be moving this bed back to the apartment, won't we?" 

"Oh definitely Benny, definitely." Ray wrapped his own arms around Fraser's giving him a gentle squeeze. "Hey Benny?" 

"Yes Ray?" 

Ray turned around to face Fraser before asking his question. "Were you talking to Frannie a little bit ago?" 

"Yes Ray, why do you ask?" 

Ray reached up to trace Fraser's jaw line with his fingers. "What did she want?" 

Fraser sighed. He didn't want to bother Ray with the termoil he was going through revolving around his own personal relationship with Francesca. He didn't want to tarnish Ray's fight with his feelings towards his relationship with his own sister. "It was nothing Ray . . ." 

"Benny, I know better than that. What did she want?" 

"Absolution." It was the only answer Fraser could give. 

"Oh," Ray lay quietly in Fraser's arms while he thought about the situation. "Are you able to forgive her Benny?" 

Fraser sighed again. "No . . . not yet . . ." Fraser released Ray and rolled over onto his back. "It's been very hard for me to get though this but I am trying. I believe the main problem is that my sister's death is tied up in this mess and it's been very difficult for me to come to terms with that alone." 

"Benny, I'm sorry about your sister. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you when you needed me most." Ray scooted closer to Fraser and rested his head on his chest with his arm wrapped around his waist. 

Fraser wrapped his right arm around Ray's back. "It wasn't your fault Ray so there is nothing for you to be forgiven for. It was just how it all happened and nothing could change the events of fate." 

"I know Benny, but I'm still sorry." This time Ray took a deep breath and sighed. "I miss her Benny." 

"I know Ray, I miss Maggie too." Fraser took hold or Ray's hand with his own free one. "We'll get through this, you'll see." Fraser brought Ray's hand up to his lips and kissed it. "I love you Ray." 

Sleepily Ray replied, "I love you too Benny." After a few minutes, they both fell asleep warmed in the comfort of each other's embrace and the fact that they would love one another for eternity. 

The End 


End file.
